Jodi's Blog

Perspective

2009-11-16T12:15:00.004-07:00

It's been more than a year since my last entry. I wonder how long Victoria's struggles will be dominating my life. I have to try hard to leave aside the demands she makes on me. If I don't, her behaviors would consume me every moment of my day. It's particularly hard when she is at her worst. I've learned not to take it personally, give it all back to her to own and just wait. She is a broken record with the blame, guilt and anger she wants to place upon me. Thankfully I don't internalize it but what it takes out of me to combat her intense hate and mockery, exhaust me. Often I can't believe this is my life.

She had a good week. Usually the weekends do her in and by Sunday she has completely unraveled. This weekend was the first time in a long time she held it together. Until Monday. I know it's coming, I just wish it wasn't so big. I go in her bedroom to get her up and she has peed from her head to her toes. This alerts me she had big feelings she couldn't manage. Usually they are negative feelings she can't express but I know it was the good feelings of the week she couldn't handle. There isn't much I can do for her at this point to help her regulate her feelings. It is a choice for her. I give her many opportunities to talk through her feelings. But I can't force her.

So I immediately have her begin to clean out her clothes and her blanket. Defiance. Slow. I let her know I'll come back later when she's ready to clean up fast and snappy. The fuse was apparently really short because a huge explosion followed. Screaming, banging, opening and closing her window as hard as she could over and over. I'm thinking....really? Is this all necessary? It isn't but when she gets stuck in the fear, she thinks it is. I'm not sure how she is going to get out of this bad place.

She will and she will continue to cycle and I'll keep looking for the progress in it all. Perspective.

Helping Me, Helping You

2008-09-16T20:52:00.004-06:00

Two months ago when I wrote the post about the tender loving moment with Victoria, I allowed myself to become hopeful beyond expectation. Others warned me but I knew I could maintain it. I could. She couldn't. This disappointment knows no words. It unfortunately manifested itself in anger. The ease in which I felt justified in my anger brought me back to the early days when we were both operating under massive amounts of rage. I was so sad I allowed myself to go back there so quickly and struggled to pull myself out of it. Anger is a secondary emotion that can be a result of both hurt and disappointment. While I cannot protect myself from the hurt and disappointment, I can protect myself from the anger that ensues. But it was so swift, it didn't even feel like I had a choice.

So after two months of regression and changes I once again find myself in the arms of a loving little girl. For five days now she has tried hard to obey and is being kind. This is unprecedented. For four years we beg, plead, encourage Victoria to do the right thing to allow herself to be happy. And then, one day, she just decides to. It catches me completely off guard. Instead of being excited, I am tentative. I am encouraging yet cautious. This skepticism protects me but hurts her. I am beating myself up. I still struggle to be gentle with myself. I know I will eventually come around and offer my heart to her. I do that tonight.

It is again helpful, healing and pure. I will spare the specifics and leave it with this exchange.

"I needed your birth mom to give you up so I could have you and you could help me. Heavenly Father had a plan for us. I needed you to help me as much as I am helping you." I say.

"Heavenly Father knew I was going to mean to you and he sent me here?" she asks, "how can I help you if I am being mean?"

"You helped me become a better mom." amongst so many other things, I think in my mind.

"How?" she asks.

"Someday, I will explain it all to you." I end.

(I'm not so sure it was God's idea to send her here to me. If you ever get the chance to read "The Little Soul and the Sun" you may begin to understand her purpose in my life and what she was willing to do for me)

Love Lessons

2008-07-23T18:50:00.004-06:00

I wish I had a tape recorder. Victoria often says the most profound things that should not be coming out of a seven year old mouth. But she has experienced emotional trauma beyond her years. I asked her if she ever wondered how Max knew how to help her? "Yep, he took love lessons", she says. Oh really? Where would he learn those? "From his mom." She says like I should have already known. " That's where everyone learns love lessons."

What she doesn't know is that she has taught me more about love than most will ever feel or understand. This, from the same girl, that hasn't had the ability to accept or show love for her entire life. This, from the same girl, that has broken my heart into pieces. Relentlessly.

I think I am avoiding it. I don't think I am letting her, until one day I see all the pieces lying around me. As I pick up each piece, it hurts all over again. I pick up the piece that feels like there is no progress; I pick up the piece that reminds me how lonely it can be; The piece that reminds me she doesn't care; I pick up the piece that reminds me I am not doing enough; the piece that says I'm not doing it right; the piece that says we are not done yet; the piece that says I'm tired; the piece that says I'm making this take longer than it should; the piece that says she still isn't feeling all my efforts; the piece that says someone else could do so much better.

Then, after I've picked them up, alone. I find myself somehow whole again. My whole heart reminds me that there has been progress. Inches when I want feet. That I do have help if I am willing to trust it; That I have a sweet and special witness that she can feel and reciprocate my love. It says that I am doing what I can, when I can; That my best is more than enough. It reminds me that I am in it for the long haul; That says I know where to get more strength; That says I cannot compare myself; that says I keep giving for all the glimpses; that assures me I have the only heart to heal hers.

I struggle to stay consistent with myself, in the middle of all her and life's inconsistencies. But at the end of the days, where we have been in complete harmony, I learn love lessons.

Can't Wait To See You Again

2008-07-10T23:04:00.001-06:00

Breaking through the wall is intense, time consuming and slow. We are looking for that weakening in the fortress to have new, healing and helpful moments with her. They are rare and fleeting. Each day that passes I really do gain a better understanding of her and of me. I also understand that nothing will ever get any worse. I have felt as bad as it gets. Of that I am completely sure. What I don't know is the feeling that it's as good as it gets. I had a small, beautiful, healing, hopeful, personal and LOVING moment with her.

We had just finished two hours of intense therapy. We are focusing a lot of attention on feeling mad. This is her most manifested emotion. Anger. We are talking about many things that could be the source of this anger. Towards the end of the session, the wall was weakening. We get into the car to go home and I always have to sit for few minutes to regain composure. The sessions can be draining. She continues to talk about her anger. I can see she is still "in the zone" and real feelings are being manifested. I bring her into the front seat, hold her in my arms and talk for 45 minutes. For the first time, heart to heart. I will not be specific here. I will be in my book.

I cannot remember all the words that I spoke. I cannot remember all of her responses but of this I am completely sure; it was divine, as real and pure as it gets. Just trying to think of the specific words feels like it would somehow diminish the experience. The revelation to her of the hurt and anger she has for her birth mom was freeing. She has lived her lifetime with this anger not knowing where it came from. Neither did I. She has taken it out on me for four years because she didn't know how to get rid of it. And neither did I.

Allowing herself to feel the hurt she has endured is more than a small heart should ever have to bear. For the first time since bringing her home, I felt fortunate to be her mother. I am seeing what it is in me that made me the only one that could do this for her. That could survive her. I don't want to let her out of my sight. I want to hang onto her. I want this to stay. It was the sincerity I have been waiting four years for. It wasn't a sword. It was the Balm of Gilead.

It doesn't last. Weeks have past. Hours of therapy have gone by. I am waiting to see her again.

Fortress of Fear

2008-06-20T21:07:00.004-06:00

Victoria is fairly predictable at this point. She is hard as nails when it comes to expressing her true emotions. She is so wired to say the right thing rather than the thing she is really feeling. It makes it very difficult to get to the heart of the matter. What is that anyway? What is this fear that motivates and directs her every move? Because she is so inconsistent and contradictory, it is hard to say, but this, four years later, is my best guess.

A fear of being abandoned again is her biggest fear. The hurt that doesn't answer questions about her birth mother? Why her? Why the orphanage? Why she doesn't have any baby pictures? When is her birthmother coming back to get her? What color of hair does she have? How old is she? How will she recognize her? How will she find her?

A fear to trust. This would require her to give up control; to be dependent. She would prefer death. She trusts me to feed her and take care of her but she does not trust that I will always love her and keep her and that I really know what is best for her. She is trying to wear me down, seeing how far she needs to push for me to give up on her. I am amazed at the intensity, still, four years later.

A fear to feel. Right now, all of her feelings are a result of pure selfishness. The product of selfishness is the misery, the low self worth, the hopelessness, the defiance, the lack of remorse. Empathy and sacrifice feel different than anything she has felt before. It feels vulnerable, risky, hard and submissive. She is really not interested in any of that. She will not allow herself to feel any of that long enough to feel the good that comes from opening her heart to others. To me.

It is hard trying to find creative ways to show her love that she cannot misinterpret or use as a substitute for the real thing. The love she requires takes time and very conscious effort. It cannot use many words, candy, food, toys, other people, favors. It needs to be intimate, directed and purposeful. It has to be done in such a way that she doesn't feel like she has done something to deserve it. Somehow I have to make her feel that it is unconditional, sincere and lasting. Before I can ever reach that place I have got to get over some huge obstacles. That fortress of fear.

Caught in the Abyss

2008-06-20T21:05:00.000-06:00

Victoria's obsession with relying on others to make her feel good always is frightening. This is the stuff addictions are made of. This isn't a typical kids demand for being entertained. She wants to be having fun all the time and when she isn't, she is angry. When she is angry, she begins to live in this dangerous fantasy land that wants to hold someone responsible for not providing constant attention. That would be mostly me. I knew her demands were insatiable but I thought there was a magic amount of attention that would suffice for her. I see now, there really isn't. There is no balance to be had between negative and positive attention. She will take it all and all the time. Again, it is never enough. It was a long time coming to this place because I just couldn't imagine, nor really understand, how demanding she really is. I felt it to be sure. It sucked all the energy out of me.

This dangerous fantasy land conjures up all kinds of half-truths, total imagination and vindictiveness. Her view of reality is distorted by what she has lived and how she really wants to be living but a mind so abused by her past will not allow her to think clearly.

For so long, I would think "How could she appear to be so smart yet be so completely senseless at times?" I thought it was a trick. It really isn't. Between trying to say the right thing and suppressing her true feelings she is caught in the abyss.

Her Story

2008-06-20T20:48:00.003-06:00

I am not completely ready to take on her story in this blog. I have found a personal coach to help me begin writing my book where I can be more expressive and specific. But lately I have sat down and wrote a few posts about her as her behaviors begin to make more sense to me after years of fueling madness. I suppose at times along the way I have read bits of this somewhere or someone has told it to me but I guess I had to live it to learn it.

NOTICE

2008-05-28T08:58:00.000-06:00

As the sun arose,

its light capped the snow covered peaks,

while the shadow blanketed beneath.

The icy blue sky fell behind

and lent itself to a magnificent backdrop.

Who would stop for a moment

and watch

as the sunlight

inched down the mountain

and see the shadow shrink away?

I don't have time.

I must make time.

He has got me to notice,

now I need to stay.

There are too many good excuses

to make me not pause.

And bad ones, too.

I listen.

Quiet.

I listen.

Averting my thoughts.

Still.

Quiet.

Even if I don't hear a thing,

I know I have reflected for a moment

and took notice.

I keep looking in good places for temporary comfort.

It is fleeting and volatile.

When will I stop pursuing this disappointment?

It only leads to discouragement and frustration.

Where is that true Comforter?

The One that appreciates me for who I am and values what I can give

The One that sustains me in peaceful reverence

not in impatient aggrivation.

The One that doesn't need specifics

because He pays attention to the details.

It is here that I will find enduring comfort

and His answers always sufficient.

If I would stop for a moment.

Pause.

Listen.

Reflect.

I will not only notice,

I will recognize Him.

And know that he is nearby

even though I feel so distant.

written january 2008

Today, but feels like Tomorrow

2008-05-11T08:05:00.002-06:00

There is something hopeful about tomorrow, next week, next year. I feel it on most todays now when dealing with Victoria. Her anxiety, her hyper vigilance weighs on me and pulls my focus off. But it will get better. I just don't know when. What I do know is that we are much closer than we have ever been.

We are approaching the present now. I don't know what that means for my posts. I have shared only a part of my story. I will be back on some tomorrow to share part of her's. When I have that advantage of hindsight.

This was just a glimpse. Maybe someday I can write the whole story while not living in part of it.

What I Know For Sure

2008-05-11T08:00:00.005-06:00

I have been tentative about allowing comments on my post. This has never been about receiving sympathy. In the beginning months of therapy, my lament was, "I just wish I would have known this in the beginning when we brought her home." However, despite the pain, especially the unexpected pain that came from good sources, I can never wish I had known. Far too many truths have been revealed and I am beginning to feel the warmth of the sun.

This story is far from over but I am more hopeful than I have ever been and more prepared than I could have ever imagined. I am anxious for the day when Victoria will be able to relinquish the fear and allow the love and joy to flow freely from her heart. That she will be free from the weight of despair that has robbed her of a childhood that should have been full of innocence, light-heartedness and happiness. I know before that day arrives there will be more disappointment and impatience but I have loved this girl more than anyone despite what I could not do for her. This love brought her to this home. This love allowed her to stay. This love will mend her. This love will allow her to love others.

A Heart In the Right Place

2008-05-10T09:31:00.000-06:00

When we first started therapy I was depleted. The insight and help Max provided in the first couple of months made such a significant difference in our lives. I wasn't feeling confident in knowing what to do with Victoria based on my past history of complicating things. I hung onto to his every word. I had some preconceived notions about therapist. Lets just say they were pretty lofty. Max had some challenges that would not allow him to ever live up to these standards. I think it has to do with him being human or something. And that he had to deal with me. :) I expected the rest of therapy to continue changing at that pace and with that understanding. That isn't how it works.

We now begin therapy again and I have a much better understanding and perspective on how this all works. No therapist has all the answers. They have their best guess based on past history. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But my greatest lesson learned concerning this: Is that I may know what is best for her. I am entirely confident in myself and my intent with her now. I feel like I can make suggestions. I feel like I can decide whether or not something will work. This is important. I live with her 24/7. I have insight no one else has. And I trust myself now. It is amazing what happens when you have a heart in the right place.

Learning at a Snail's Pace

2008-05-10T09:30:00.004-06:00

I did not know some of these things for sure, for a very long time. Max tried to tell me. I tried to believe him. It has taken me a while to get here. It helps me understand her and how to respond to her but it doesn't make it any easier. Really in some ways it is more difficult.

I finally had to get to a place where I believed that all of her behaviors were actually selfish tactics to get attention from me. But because she places such an enormous amount of importance on negative attention, it appears so deliberate to hurt me. But she is really too self absorbed to focus on what she can do to hurt me. She is deliberate and vindictive but only so far as to get a reaction for her warped sense of love. I have to think that the demand for negative attention stems not only from what she received most at the orphanage but also for so long that was the way to get the biggest reaction from me.

We are in a place where we try to set her up for positive experiences so she can feel the good feelings, not be scared of them, and to prefer them. Right now, she has no interest in feeling good. She constantly sabotages the good experiences that could come into her life. She finds comfort and familiarity in the misery.

Nothing Personal

2008-05-10T09:29:00.000-06:00

I am here. I am stronger. I still have to allow her to take my love today, throw it away tonight and provide more in the morning. I am not a paper weight. I am the pin cushion taking all the jabs. It is painful but I am not hanging onto it. I understand her now. I feel sorry for her. I see it isn't so much about disobeying me, as it is so hard to let go of the misery, even though it takes more effort for her to maintain the despair. So my heart hurts for the wrong choices but I am not hurt personally by the disobedience. Finally.

She is starting to feel me. My sincerity. My consistency. My love. It is scaring her. She is raging more often but not every day. But I can see the progress in it. It is breaking down walls. S-l-o-w-l-y.

Stumbling Blocks

2008-05-09T19:00:00.000-06:00

Right before I stopped taking Victoria to therapy my heart was at war with what I knew I should be doing and not being able to do it. Especially showing her consistent affection. Just thinking back on it is a bit traumatizing to me. I felt like I could do it. But literally, when I saw "that face" you know, the one that everyone falls in love with so quickly, my heart would not allow me to do what my mind knew had to be done. I could not see beyond the face. I couldn't see her heart. I knew that underneath it all is a little girl with so much love and happiness to give buried by fear but I couldn't see it. I wasn't allowing myself to. It never failed, for instance, on my worst days there would be a talk in Church on charity. I was a mess. I wanted this to be fixed. I wanted to be able to do what I thought I was capable of. I sent the same email to Max and my dad asking for help. I sent an email to Max because I knew I couldn't be the first mom with this problem and I sent one to my Dad because I felt he knew what my heart was capable of.

Max responded with suggestions that had worked for other mothers. I could pretend to see a baby, or one of my other children's faces when I looked at her. I could imagine her as having cancer or some other disease because she really is sick on the inside although she looks perfectly fine on the outside. He also said that there was no magic trick that would fix it. That wasn't going to work for me. Max would soon see a pattern forming here, what would work for most Mom's, I complicated.

My dad sent me back a treasured email. He reminded me of the charity I did indeed have and had since my youth. I couldn't seem to find it at the moment but his confidence in me and the other precious truths in that letter was a comfort to me. Things didn't change in that moment. I would imagine this is a significant stumbling block for many parents. And it is too personal to have anyone figure out for you. I have indeed gotten to place where I not only see her for who she really is underneath it all but I find the truths in her behaviors despite what she is saying. I am not completely sure how this has happened. Enough time has not transpired for me to objective. But what I do know, is it is a miracle.

Picking up the Pieces

2008-05-08T14:12:00.002-06:00

I knew that my reactions to her were making everything more difficult than it ever should have been but I couldn't make sense of her or me. I was looking from the inside out. I couldn't see everything objectively. I didn't know how I was going to fix myself but I know I needed someone who could see from the outside in. This was a problem. I don't let people on the outside, in. This is a part that is so intensely personal. I want to share it, I don't want to share it. I want everyone to understand it. There is no way I could even begin to explain it. I had to look to my past to make sense of my present. In this last General Conference, Elder Scott gave a moving and tender talk on abuse. I think this line that he quoted could be attributed to any deep emotional turmoil. "Healing may begin with a thoughtful Bishop or Stake Counselor or a wise professional counselor...but remember a true cure comes through the Savior..." I come through this part of my journey, reminded of the woman, you know the one, she felt weak, helpless, depleted, unsure and reached out with just enough faith to touch the hem of the Savior's garment, "Daughter, be of good comfort, thy faith hath made thee whole..."

I am whole now. I have more capacity to feel in my heart than I did before. Pieces of me that had been numb are now more intense. I need all of this for what will be required of me to eventually help Victoria become whole. But it will be easier, though still not easy this time, not only because my best is so much better but He is still making up the rest.

Another Adoption Story

2008-05-05T17:13:00.000-06:00

There are many adoption stories that aren't so complicated. I actually have one. Even though our journey with Victoria has been challenging, I did decide to expand our family again. It was spur of the moment. It required no background checks or paperwork. They weren't concerned with how many kids we had or our parenting style. I traveled to South Jordan. And he can't talk :) And he has been so good for my mental health. His ancestors originated in Cuba but he has an Irish name. Meet my 6 month old Havanese, Finnegan.

Pieces of Me

2008-05-04T22:13:00.000-06:00

I thought that freeing my heart from all the resentment would be enough. I knew I was in a far better place now but I was still allowing things she did to hurt me. And I felt an enormous amount of pressure to initiate and form trust with her so I could be the person she would bond to. I just told Max, "tell me what to do and I will do it." I could provide the affection now but I was literally just going through the motions. And it was working. For her. But I couldn't maintain it. The most painful part for me was in the evening. I would take her defiance all day long. I compare it to water torture. The kind where they strap you down and a drop of water lands on your forehead every few seconds. It's only water right? But it is tormenting. That is exactly what her "insignificant" behaviors felt like, all day long. And then, I would need to go in her room in the evening to cuddle with her, feed her a piece of chocolate and act unaffected by it all. The smile that would greet me screamed conditional. Yet, I could not be. I had to begin with a clean slate each day no matter what happened the day before. A lesson in forgiveness nearly every day.

We went to therapy every Tuesday. On about Sunday, the stress would kick in and I would want to cancel. I knew this is what she needed, the only way she was going to get better, so I would go, never canceling, knowing that I couldn't even manage to do what was required of me the week before.

The previous three years and the demands of the present had left me in pieces. I finally realized, I could not do anything until I was whole. I couldn't pretend any longer until it became real. It wasn't working for me. It was scary for me to stop therapy. I was worried about her, me, the support, but it was worth it just to free myself of the stress that I encountered every week going into that office. So nearly six months after starting therapy, we stopped.

My Talk on Forgiving and Receiving Forgiveness

2008-05-04T21:02:00.001-06:00

We know that Christ was sent here, and willing, to do the will of His Father. We also know that His Father's will is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of each of us and all men. Everything Jesus Christ did on earth was to help us in this life that we may return to our Heavenly Father.

Neal A Maxwell says, "Any serious disciple yearns to go home to Heavenly Father and be welcomed there by Jesus." But the Prophet Joseph Smith declared, "We cannot go where they are unless we become more like them."

To become more like them we must accept the Lord's individual and personal invitation to "come follow me." Why is this so important? In John 14:16 the Lord declares, "I am the way, the truth and the life no man cometh to the Father but by me." If our exaltation is dependent upon following Jesus then it is imperative that we know Him. "Learn of me and listen to my words, walk in the meekness of my Spirit and you shall have peace in me."

As we study the brief time that Christ walked upon the earth we not only find the path we must trod but we also find a unique empathy and a perfect mercy that will help us on our way.

As I thought about how studying and learning about the life of Jesus Christ helps us today, I knew this topic was no coincidence. I knew that as much as I'd like to give examples of how others had been helped, I know no story better than my own.

As we come unto Him, and find ourselves being perfected in Him, we find that this journey can often seem slow and difficult. But as Neal A Maxwell reminds us, "Be assured God is in the details and in the subtleties of the defining and preparatory moments of discipleship. He will reassure you. He will remind you. Sometimes if you are like me, he will brace or reprove you in a highly personal process not understood or appreciated by those outside the context."

This highly personal process is one that Alma refers to as a mighty change of heart. And this is not a one time occurrence. It will happen throughout our lives and often the changes that leave an indelible mark on our soul cannot be easily expressed or often appreciated by others. Simply because, only One knows the intents of hearts, where we have been and how far we have come. But with this Spirit as my guide, I will try.

I have always been in the heart of the fold, just one of ninety and nine. I have made mistakes, recognized them and immediately repented. My life has followed a divine path. I have prayed for and received direction from my Father in Heaven. As a result of being a peaceable follower of Christ, he has seen fit in his wisdom only, to bless me both spiritually and temporally. That is not to say that I have not struggled. But with each struggle, I am made a little stronger.

It should be wise to remember: where much is given, much is required. I had no idea what the Lord was going to require of me. And as I ponder on my lot before me I must remind myself of these promises:

"Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me; for I am lowly in heart and ye shall find rest in your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, lean not unto thine own understandings. In all thy ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths."

I knew I could trust the Lord to forgive me for the wrongs in my life. A promise that I take comfort in. I love the healing power of repentance. A much more difficult, yet divine quality, I struggled with was forgiveness. And this is my story I'd like to share with you.

I had been lied to and manipulated. I tried to trust and love someone who delighted in provoking my anger, causing confusion, and thwarted my best attempts to help. Lies and empty promises. Hopes dashed hundreds of times. For three long, contentious and hard years I tried to make sense of the senseless. I fought a losing battle, swimming against the tide, hanging onto a sliver a faith. I was buffeted, bruised and torn Not unlike, yet not at all like, the Savior himself. Except how I handled it couldn't have been more different than when he said, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." This couldn't be anymore true than in my case. She doesn't know what she is doing. She is doing what she has always known- a result from a lack of love and security. But at the time I didn't know, and the pain and hurt had turned my heart bitter and resentful. For so long I was feeling wronged and all I wanted was a sincere apology for it all. I demanded justice. As you can see already, I had much to learn.

A friend, in watching me struggle to mend, suggested to me the very topic of this talk when he said, "Maybe you should study about forgiveness, especially through the life of the Savior." Of course, that evening I went right to studying and wrote out some comments. It wasn't an answer but it opened my mind to what I needed to do to bring the peace into my life that comes from true forgiveness.

Here are a few of the comments I wrote:

The Lord with that same infinite wisdom that blesses me, also would require of me, greater love, patience, long-suffering, kindness and not the least, forgiveness. The very attributes that make him the King of Kings and Prince of Peace are suppose to be reflected in my countenance. And this requiring a mighty change of heart.

"The spirit of forgiveness and an attitude of love and compassion is the very essence of the Gospel of Jesus Christ." I need this spirit. How am I going to get it?

I must change my attitude. "Significantly when we forgive our wounds begin to heal. As we faithfully surrender to the Savior the pain caused to us by others, the power of the Atonement heals our wounded hearts, lifts our burdens of sorrow, and brings peace...to our souls."

"Be ye kind to one another, tenderhearted forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you." (Eph 4:32)

In addition to the scriptures, another important resource was found in the words in this book, The Peacegivier. I cannot even begin to help you understand the changes I felt but should you decide to read it, I can tell you I saw myself on nearly every page. I began to see through the Atonement I couldn't make demands on justice. The Savior says, "Let me deal with it if there is any dealing to be done. But you, my dear daughter, let it go. Let me take it as I have already done. Forgive." I was beginning to see that the Atonement is as much for the benefit of the sinned against as for the sinner. I did begin to understand these things clearly in my mind but truly my heart was lagging behind. I still didn't know how this change was going to come about? I didn't know where the strength was going to come from? How was the Lord going to work this miracle in my life? Of course, the Lord provides a way. He was waiting for me to be ready. And often times He works through other people and for this miracle to take place he chose my Bishop.

I did not know this man. We have just moved into the ward. I had met him and his counselors in our home for 30 minutes the previous night. The following night as I met with him for a regular Temple recommend interview, the conversation seem to take a diversion. He didn't know me or the extent of my torment or what he would say that evening would be an answer to my humble and fervent prayers but he didn't need to know those things because Someone else already did.

I know the Lord still works miracles because my heart has been a recipient. The first thing the Lord was going to to was tell me I could do it. He would let me know in no uncertain terms that as one of the most important things I was sent here to do, I can rise above this. What a loving Heavenly Father, that first shows he has faith in me, tells me what blessings I will receive and then, only then, after I really understood this time, he tells me what is required of me to have that change of heart. I cannot remember nor can I relate all of the things the Bishop spoke to me but the feelings of that moment will stay with me for an eternity and heal wounds that I didn't know how they would be healed.

Forgiving her was obvious to me. It was the only way to heal from the pain, resentment and bitterness. I was ready to do this for her and now I see, for me. Nothing was ever going to get any better if everything was contingent upon her finally doing or saying the right thing. Forgiveness requires no strings attached. I do not need her repentance (she has nothing to repent of) I need my own. She doesn't need my forgiveness. I need to forgive her. Just once? No seven times seventy if it needs be. But you see, it will be easier now because I have already begun to feel the sweet peace. I am beyond hopeful now. His burden is light.

It is a miracle and a promise that the power of the Atonement can heal us. I cannot diminish the significance, nor marvel at the speed at which the change came after studying with real intent and praying with a sincere heart. Isn't that all he requires of us? A broken heart and a contrite spirit? My spirit has to be ready to hear what he has to say and until now my heart simply wasn't.

As I have continued to study about the Atonement, I see that because I now have a personal witness, those selfish feelings have no place in my heart. They cannot coexist with what I know and feel. What do I know? I know first of all that I can handle whatever is presented before me, even when I have no idea how. I know that through the Lord's power, weak things can be made strong. I know that he can heal the deepest hurt. I know that in addition to healing he provides hope.

Elder Roueche, from the Quorum of the Seventy has said, "When we forgive and let go of that which has weighed heavily on our hearts and taken us off the path, a great burden is lifted from our souls, and we are free- free to move forward and progress in our pursuit of the gospel of Jesus Christ with an increase of love in our hearts. We will be blessed with an increase enthusiasm for life, and our hearts will be lighter. A surge of spiritual energy will propel us forward in joy and happiness.

And now I say unto you that the good shepherd doth call after you; and if you will hearken unto his voice he will bring you into his fold, and ye are his sheep." (Alma 5:60)

May we always find ourselves in the heart of the fold, accepting His invitation of follow Him. It is my prayer that whatever the struggle, we might look to God, and live. I testify of these things in the name of my Savior, and my advocate with the Father, even Jesus Christ, Amen.

Matters of the Heart

2008-05-04T18:34:00.002-06:00

I can talk all day about the matter-of-fact stuff. Consequences, behaviors, therapeutic approaches. But now we get to the intensely personal part of the story. I should be hesitant to share this but I'm not. I am not even close to perfect. And this journey just confirms that for me. This is my struggle. Everyone has one. Mine is personal, specific only to me in how I dealt with it. But what I want to accomplish here, especially for other RAD moms, is the comfort in knowing that someone is dealing with the exact same struggle although it is too personal for someone else to figure out for you. There is not a one size fits all fix for the emotional challenges that these children present to parents, especially mothers.

I just couldn't provide the physical affection required of me. I didn't even want to sit down and read her a book. Thankfully Jay was able to do all the things I couldn't do, until I could do them. But it felt like never. My heart had become so bitter and resentful. Even with the knowledge I had now, that all her acts against me weren't so much to hurt me as reactions to a broken and sick child, I couldn't seem to let it go.

This torment that I felt from not being able to do what was required of me was second only to the anguish I feel about how I treated her especially during the first year and half in our home. Simply not knowing what was going on is not a good enough excuse for me. I am working on accepting forgiveness for my actions.

I explain my journey to forgiveness in a talk I was asked to give shortly after coming through all of this. I don't mention Victoria by name and I imagine most in the congregation had no idea I was speaking of my own daughter. I know that each of us have our own way of dealing with difficulties in our lives and for me, it required a spiritual change.

Requirements

2008-04-27T17:12:00.003-06:00

There are a series of steps that we work with Victoria to initiate bonding. On her part, it consists of respect, understanding, obedience, empathy, sacrifice. Every week we try different approaches to help her learn these and other important characteristics. We work on one until she has it and move on from easiest to most difficult, being sacrifice. We are not there yet. I work with her on recognizing and labeling her emotions. These are the things that are required of her.

The logical part, everything we initiated to turn the control back over to me, happened very quickly. I was ready for it. Jay and I were actually doing some of them already. She was working on doing what was required of her. Now, what would be required of me? The bonding figure? I had no idea what was going to be required of me would stretch me beyond anything I had done the previous three years or in my entire life for that matter.

To form trust I had to provide her unconditional affection, something she has never had in her life. But I was still reeling from the previous three years. I was still far away from really understanding her. I was still taking all of her behaviors so personally. I didn't know how to stop it. My mind wanted to make sense of it but my heart was clearly lagging behind. How was I going to do this? Max would make "simple" requests of me to show her affection and I simply told him I couldn't do it. I was being asked to do those very same things I did so carefully and deliberately in the beginning. The thought of doing so many similar things again nearly had me paralyzed with fear. This is my part of the story I never read anywhere.

Consequences

2008-04-27T15:58:00.001-06:00

Going to therapy and working with these kids is not a one-size-fits-all approach. It is trying many different approaches. Some work, some don't. Consequences are huge for anyone but especially these children that do not think about the results of their choices. I try to use natural consequences but it isn't always possible.

What was suggested in therapy for these kids when they don't obey is to first give them a physical exercise. Jumping jacks, running around the house, sit ups, whatever. If they don't do the exercise, they then have to do a chore. A repetitive, mindless, chore that doesn't require constant supervision and can take as long as they want. We use pulling weeds, shoveling, moving a rock pile or sweeping out the garage, amongst others. If they choose not to do the chore, they go and sit in their room until they decide to do the chore. When that is finished, they must also complete the physical exercise. Victoria never really gets to the room stage because I always have her do something that she can do as fast or slow as she wants. She can finish in 15 minutes when she is compliant but she has been known to take three hours.

This was very interesting when we started this because it took away so much control and it was very frightening to her. And the way these kids manifest their fear, is often through anger. She would usually not even try to do the physical exercise or mess with with me and we would go to the chore. I can remember days (and there still are occasional ones) where she would yell a blood curdling scream forever. If pulling weeds she would just sit in the dirt, cover herself with it, pee on herself, and sit there for hours. Some days she would pull on her clothes, her skin , her hair in such a rage. She has absolutely no control over me. She was at my mercy and it was terrifying. But she would eventually finish.

In the beginning it was so exhausting trying to be consistent and outlast the rage. And trying to ignore all the negative behavior that was clamoring for attention. This was demanding but when she realized that this was going to happen every single time she began to carefully choose her battles usually to test me. The fits of rage began to decrease but something interesting started to happen. She started to enjoy the chores. I must, rephrase, it appeared she was enjoying the chores and tried to get them. So now, it was not serving any purpose in changing her behavior. I will point out that she will pretend to enjoy many things that kids should not like. But it is another way of her trying to feel in control.

She doesn't do nearly as many chores but the occasional disobedience that demands a consequence will send her out to move rocks. This has been taking hours lately. She stands outside, looks around and the neighbors windows on both sides, looking for any attention and will scream at the top of her lungs. Look around for any warm bodies to notice and continue her scream fest. Until I spoke to the neighbors, I thought for sure the police were going to show up at my door.

The discipline that works best with her is a delayed consequence. But I must be ready for retaliation. A delayed consequence comes when she least expects it and is totally out of her control. She didn't have anything to do with conspiring it in her mind. For instance, she is disobedient and being totally passive aggressive during church. I don't respond or react. Until next week, when it is the children's program and I tell her she cannot participate because I don't trust she will be reverent.

My mind is working as hard as hers to anticipate delayed consequences, ignore deliberate negative behavior, trying to find the sincerity in the positive, deciding what to respond to or not. It is hard, it is time consuming. It doesn't allow me to the be the mother I want to be to my other kids or truthfully, wife, friend, sister or daughter. But I know it won't last forever. And when that times comes, I have already learned so many lessons, that I will be a far better mother, wife, friend, sister and daughter than I could ever hoped to be.

Rules and Gaining Control

2008-04-20T19:05:00.002-06:00

If I just would have had this knowledge in the beginning, it would have made her life and mine much easier. These are things I needed to know. When we implemented the following rules, our lives changed completely. I now felt in control and she welcomed the consistency.

First, she could not talk in the car. This was brilliant. It relieved an enormous amount of stress from me. If she did, she put one hand over her mouth. If she tried again, it was both hands. If she still insisted, she put her head in her lap. We rarely get beyond the first hand.

There are times when she is relentless in the car but they are few.

She has a mat that is her playground. She has three activities she can do: Legos, read a book, or color. This is a LIFESAVER. This alleviated me having to entertain her, wonder where she was or what she was doing. For her, it allowed her to focus, not have to worry about making decisions and she was reaping the benefits of being compliant. I could also sense, instantly, she felt safe knowing she had a place to go. I know she welcomed the structure because she rarely leaves the mat or talks which both result in playtime being over. As she maintains compliance, I expand her playthings. Eventually, I will give her the choice of what to play with and also, expand her play area to a room. I don't know if this process sounds logical to you, but for most people that came to our home it seemed cruel and unusual. Unusual, yes. There is no way my other seven year old would stay on the mat. Cruel, absolutely not. But I think, with reason, it makes guest feel uncomfortable when they don't have the reasoning behind it. Because on that mat, playing quietly and smiling she does "appear" to be a perfect child. The best analogy I have is she is like a plastic flower. She is quiet, doesn't move and looks perfect. But sadly, that is all there is. There isn't a lot of emotion underneath it all. Yet.

She cannot ask for anything. I decide what she will eat and how much. I get her up in the morning and chose what she will wear. The purpose of all of this is, besides saving me a huge headache, is teaching her to trust me. I need her to trust that I will meet all of her needs without needing to ask me for everything. Eventually, we want to get to a place where she has choices between two things and then when she can, just completely choose for herself.

An Answer to Hundreds of Prayers

2008-04-20T18:50:00.001-06:00

The first thing we do upon arriving back to the United States, next to having our teeth cleaned, is finding help for Victoria. I go to a website I recall my mom telling me about that deals with RAD. Attachment.org. Here I find a list of therapist in Utah and choose the closest one in Orem. Even after all I have dealt with, I still have reservations about calling. Is there really a problem? What if it is really me? But I also know we cannot go on living this way.

I call Max. I briefly explain my crisis and he responds by saying this is his speciality. I am a very cautious hopeful. We meet in his office a week later. Within ten minutes I know this man knows exactly what he is doing. The way he interacts with her, how he can call her bluff and confirming numerous behaviors related to attachment disorders. I am relieved.

The first and most important thing that Max required was that I, as the mother, the bonding figure, and the target of most of her aggression, take care of myself. It was imperative that I did things for myself on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. You cannot help another if you are drained physically, emotionally, or spiritually. This is such a natural law but I think as mothers, we do not live by. I think it is because we don't understand the significance, do not have the support or sadly, feel guilty. So while caring for myself is such a priority for me, the only challenge I have now is maintaining a balance. Filling my lamp takes more time and conscious effort than reading a novel or playing tennis.

More On RAD Behavior

2008-04-11T20:31:00.003-06:00

So now we have learned that because she lived her first four years in three different orphanages with multiple caregivers she did not learn to develop healthy attachments to people. She did not have the consistency of having her needs met. She could not trust others around her to take care of her. She did not experience unconditional love and the security that as parents we provide so naturally. We don't think about our baby's brain development when we are holding them close, stroking their cheek, gazing into their eyes, responding to their cries or constantly smiling at them. These are natural reactions that are helping these babies trust, love and feel secure. These seemingly insignificant actions are critical in the first three years of life. Without this foundation, children will create their own survival techniques to feel safe. They begin to see that they cannot depend or trust others around them to meet their needs. They must protect themselves. The love in their lives is either non existent or inconsistent. To survive with any amount of security the become very selfish and demanding. The learn to only trust themselves and refuse to relinquish control. They learn love hurts. Their brains are actually wired reflecting these survival mechanisms. It no longer becomes a conscious choice between right and wrong. There is no conscience. It is survival.

RAD

2008-04-10T17:00:00.001-06:00

I still cannot make sense of most of Victoria's behaviors but I really think I am the best person at figuring out a few of them. I don't feel entirely confident trying to explain Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) but I will make a few comments knowing that I am unintentionally leaving out important components.

From what I understand, RAD is a fairly new diagnosis, and very controversial. There are some basic attributes that most children have but the way they manifest it can vary to the extremes. The best book I can recommend is by Nancy Thomas, "When Love is Not Enough" but I also know from interaction with family, friends and teachers the concept may seem understandable but the "reactive" part, how kids react to it, is often lost on most. It stands to reason that children from orphanages would suffer from this disorder but any child that has significant disruption in the first three years of life is at risk.

This would explain why Victoria's ability to understand love and her cause and effect thinking is so under-developed. It is the basic trust cycle that develops as infants. As babies we cry to let others know there is a need. Usually promptly, that need is met by feeding, changing diapers, holding, or just simply providing relief. In a healthy relationship, this cycle is consistent and from this trust forms bonds that we associate as love. I can't know exactly what happened in her first four years of life but I do know it wasn't consistent. How could it be? She had multiple caregivers. Even with the best caregiver to child ratio in an orphanage, there is no way there would be enough time or enough of anything. Which explains why nothing is ever enough for her. And why she is so angry.

It also completely explains why she didn't trust me and how all my intense acts of love in the first year and half were actually more frightening for her than helpful. But I took it so personally because I didn't understand why she was sabotaging all my efforts so willingly. She really wasn't. It was reacting. And eventually so was I. There was absolutely no trust on either side. Without trust, bonds of anything, including love cannot be formed.

I previously alluded about her cause and effect thinking. She hasn't had opportunities to make decisions and learn from them. She would operate purely on motivation (a selfish one) and doesn't think about the consequences. That was maddening. But she was also in self preservation mode. The only mode she has ever known.

But it wasn't just love that is underdeveloped. It is most of her emotions. She has a hard time really understanding what feeling happy is like. I am serious, for the first two years, I can count a few times where I heard a true, delightful laugh from her. She didn't know that feeling. She has trouble feeling bad or sorry for things. I am not even completely sure what she understands about feeling sad but I know she can feel mad and angry. What a tragedy. First that she has to grow up this way and then I complicate it.

What I Knew For Sure

2008-04-10T15:12:00.000-06:00

I am feeling a bit dramatic in my post but I don't know what to say, it was dramatic. It still is at times. While in Ireland, things began to manifest themselves and give support to my feelings. I knew that the only true consistent emotion that I had ever seen from Victoria was the one she showed the most: anger. I knew she was angry. I also knew is was stemming from fear but I didn't know what to do about it.

I think I can count on one hand when I think Victoria has really opened up to me and not been scared of the consequences. Even if there wasn't any. One of those nights (and they were all at night) was in Ireland. I knew she was intimidated by me and didn't fully trust me. Why would she? Yet, one night as I talked to her, I brought out a purple elephant and began to talk to it. I pretended the elephant was Victoria and she answered for it. Things began to finally make some sense when she told me how she often thought about destroying her room, ripping up my clothes, and breaking everything. She told me she hated everyone in the family. I was so relieved. You must understand why. I have felt this from her but nothing she ever says indicates it. I had no idea these feelings and others were even capable in a tiny child. I also knew that our thoughts become our actions so it was no surprise that her destructive behaviors were predicated upon a very destructive thought process. But I still didn't have the knowledge how this was all related to attachment disorders. I still felt like she had a choice and always chose the wrong one. Intentionally. One other instance that validated my feelings was while we were visiting friends. She came up to me on the couch and was being affectionate. This was very unusual at this point. When we got into the car I asked her what that was all about as she doesn't normally do that. She replied, "I wanted them to think I was nice to you."

For over three long years, wrong or right, justified or not, I took every look, every insincere hug, every intentional and manipulative behavior personally. I held onto every grudge and infringement on my heart. She was living on the periphery of my heart. The angst, the helplessness, the inadequacy, the illusive answers, beating myself up, left more depleted and depressed than even I understood. It was a slow, tortuous process. But I was the second victim. I thought I was the only.

Surviving...the Guilt

2008-04-07T11:26:00.004-06:00

We didn't make any huge strides in helping her but we did have enough things working that we could at least deal with her day to day. They were just coping mechanisms on our part and I knew that. I knew what we were doing wasn't going to help her get any better. It was just allowing us (me) to function at some other level than crazy.

I knew that to keep her in check, I couldn't allow her to make any decisions. (I'll stop and explain why as I go along but most of this was lost on me then.) This just stands to reason. She spent her first formable years in an orphanage where she was told what to do every single moment of the day. She had no opportunities to make choices, suffer consequences or learn from her mistakes in a healthy environment. So she comes into our home and suddenly can decide everything for herself? There is no way. It must have been so overwhelming, never mind, all the other things she had to deal with initially.

It was best if she didn't play with the other children. She was vindictive and controlling. Not always but usually so I just didn't put her or the other kids in that position anymore. And kids anywhere could pick up on this in minutes. Adults? totally clueless.

I could not leave her alone. I dealt with her best when she was in the same room with me doing absolutely nothing. She could not/would not entertain herself.

I knew this wasn't doing her any good but it helped me maintain my sanity and most importantly, she had no control over me. As time went on, my coping mechanisms became similar to hers. I treated her with indifference. This saved me from hurt, heartache and disappointment. But, living with these feelings for so long made it very difficult for me to come back to a place where I could show her any type of affection.

I spent so much time being impatient and mean to her. I never wanted to give her anything. She made it very difficult for me and I struggled with this. It would literally tear me up inside. I didn't know what was going on. I hated my reactions to her. This wasn't who I was. And she accepted this. She didn't like it but I think she felt she deserved it. She wanted to do better but she couldn't and didn't know why.

I don't like because of my reactions to her, the boys had virtually no patience for her. I had set a precedent that she was always wrong. There came a time where she probably could do no right in my eyes and gave up trying. I did not know what was going on and my hurt, confusion and numbness where all natural reactions. But the problem came when I wanted to feel justified for it all and held her responsible. The guilt, this guilt, still manifest itself but I am working intently on letting it go.

Heart Bypass

2008-04-07T10:59:00.007-06:00

Everything is bypassing my heart at this point. I can be more specific now but nothing was clear to me then. Victoria never developed the foundation needed to form secure attachments. That was the simple part for me to understand. The more complex part, that is only really beginning to make sense to me in the last few months, is that she has no concept of love. All of the time, energy, tears, and pain, I spent showing love to Victoria is processed in her mind the exact same way "attention" is from complete strangers. My sacrifices didn't mean any more to her than the sticker she would get from the cashier at the grocery store. While in Ireland my mind couldn't make sense of this but my heart did and I was taking it all personally. It had worn me down. I had no more to offer her.

What was recommended in Carolyn Archer's book sounded completely logical to me but my heart wanted no part of it. Essentially you go back to babyhood and reconstruct time and activities that she missed out on. I started to do it. But I just couldn't. I could sense that it wasn't serving the right purpose. I felt like Victoria just could not process and make sense of my actions to "rewire" her brain. It felt like she was sucking the life out of me. The best analogy I have is that I was pouring love into a soul full of holes and everything I would do, everything I had done, just wasn't enough. Things weren't just bypassing my heart. It was feeling numb.

Nothing New

2008-04-07T09:22:00.000-06:00

At times when I would post my travel blogs that you see here, I would feel that fraudulent feeling again. There is no doubt that we had an incredible time spending a year traveling Europe. We were able make memories and strengthen relationships that will continue to manifest throughout our lifetime. But there was one relationship that was still suffering and now regressing and none of my post would indicate it.

There were MANY things I did not know. But this year in Ireland I was able to begin to catch glimpses of what was going on however nothing here was going to tell me how to deal with it.

I began reading books again on attachment disorders. And while I found some of Victoria's behaviors in them, they are broad and were not addressing her passive aggressive nature. They certainly weren't giving me any ideas on how to deal with her.

She continued to seek attention any way that she could, usually through bad behavior. We spent hours trying to talk to her. Jay and I would go through periods where we really felt like we got through to her but be in the same place or two steps back the next day. Talking to these kids does nothing for the problem. In fact, it probably encourages it. We spent so much time trying to "make" her feel responsible and sorry for her actions. She then would respond with the right words but her actions were the complete opposite. Her sincerity became a sword. These kids are never sorry enough. Never happy enough. Never full enough. Never anything enough. And it is terribly, terribly sad.

I was beginning to understand that fear was the motivating factor for most of her behaviors but I didn't know how to calm those fears. I had tried the best way I knew how the first year she arrived. By now, our inconsistency, was fueling the fear.

We were able to meet a supportive source from the international adoption community while in Dublin for a conference. We met with Carolyn Archer for about 30 minutes and it was so refreshing to meet someone who really understood what we were talking about. She made some suggestions, gave us a couple of her books and offered any support by telephone or other means. It was encouraging. And then, I read her books and she gives specific responses to these kids. But what she was suggesting is comparable to performing open heart surgery on myself.

Auto Pilot

2008-04-03T17:00:00.001-06:00

We are functioning on auto pilot at this point. I really feel like the Lord was giving us just enough to get by. I know now I had a lot of lessons to learn at her expense and mine. There are some things I could have done differently to make our lives easier. That is hindsight.

You must be asking yourself where is Jay in all of this? He is doing what men do best and I envy: compartmentalizing. But he is also traveling 2 weeks out the month. I was her target and I am female so I am reacting emotionally. He recognizes this and would come through with his nearly flawless patience. Provide me relief from her whenever he could and be a soundboard and support. These crisis on the very things that can make or break families. He clearly had the strength and I was hanging on a sliver of hope.

My saving grace, on my most difficult days, was the complete assurance I had that she was where was suppose to be. I felt helpless to be sure and every other synonym but I was never hopeless. I had just enough faith to know someone, somewhere had the answers we needed. But for now, we were off to Europe.

Finding Help

2008-04-03T16:00:00.001-06:00

Finally, you say. If it were only that simple. For about a year I was trying to understand this girl and my reactions to her. Nothing was making any sense. She appeared happy. She was affectionate. She was friendly. But it felt empty. But all I had were my feelings to justify my thoughts. Those are not easily transferred into words. She was sneaking water. She was "accidentally" breaking things. She was constantly lying. She was rocking. What part of any of this sounds so devastating? I see now when I talked to our social worker I wasn't specific enough. I didn't realize it then. And also, when it came to discussing her behaviors with professionals I had a tendency to down play them. I could speculate as to why but it didn't help matters any.

Our social worker was not helpful. I then talked to our pediatrician. He gave me a referral of a prominent child phsychologist in the area but he had a six month waiting list. I didn't have six months. I didn't really have six hours at this point. His office gave me a referral to a child's mental health facility. The doctor there was no longer practicing but set up an appointment with one of their licensed social workers. I was apprehensive really. I kept thinking that somehow what was wrong with this relationship was mostly me at this point.

I meet with this social worker three times before Jay comes with me. During those visits she never once talked with Victoria and was so endearing to her. She gave her toys and candy. Victoria was eating up all the attention. I knew I was in trouble when she just kept telling me, "You just have to remember where she has come from." Remembering that she spent nearly four years in an orphanage did nothing to help me. What I needed were answers to my reactions and how to deal with her. The last visit I took Jay and she pulled a book off the shelf, began to thumb through it throwing ideas at us and finally giving us the website in the back of the book. Jay felt like we were there for counseling and could clearly see that she didn't know what was going on. To say I felt discouraged is an understatement.

We are closing in our second year of having Victoria home. My heart is constructing barriers. I am operating on auto pilot with this girl. I can't see what a bad place I am in until I look back now. We get one more referral. A child psychologist. He labels her as controlling. Duh. Tries to instill fear into her by telling her if she doesn't start being obedient she will have to get shots. Oh brilliant, what I didn't realize is, this girl is already operating on fear, let's give her some more to deal with. And then he recommends parenting classes for us. I was at first offended at the thought but soon realized it was a good idea. Unfortunately this was also about the same time that we were planning to leave the country and live in Ireland for a year.

Her Heart and Mine

2008-04-03T12:11:00.002-06:00

I must say that we tried loads of positive reinforcement. She just relished in the attention but did nothing to change behaviors. One thing I wish I had known, is that these kids do not respond to typical punishments. The only punishment that even begun to work was physical exercise. Jay came up with doing steps. I was initially opposed to it. It seemed cruel. But it worked. Except when it didn't, we had no back up. At this point, I know people were looking at us suspect.
I cringed when I would hear her ask for drinks at Church or friends houses. I knew she was doing it for the attention and because she knew it was a source of contention between us. She has this way of asking and then glancing at me with a coy smile. She uses this often in different circumstances. When I told others not to give her drinks, or ask them to withhold anything from her, I know they are thinking I am being unfair.
I didn't even think that her physical affection towards me might be insincere but again I felt it. I was feeling like she was only doing it to get more affection from me. I was becoming conditional and I knew it was obvious to those around me.
I hated to see her crawl up on people's lap or demand their physical attention because I knew it was entirely selfish and so unsuspecting to them. And frankly, it hurt that others could provide so easily that which as the mother, I was now struggling to.
I must be truthful here and tell you I felt entirely taken advantage of but I fought it nearly to the death because she was so small. How could I allow a six year old to victimize me? I have had to reflect on my past for that one but I tell you I still struggle with it.
I wish I could be more specific but I know that on the outside my behaviors and reactions towards her seemed harsh and undeserving. And some of them were.

She Just Needs More Love

2008-03-31T11:45:00.001-06:00

I should let you know that I am only able to share my story because we (I) have made a significant amount of progress. I am still tentative that it will be lost on most. But I hope someone will find something comforting (the comforting part is still quite a few posts away) and of worth. The title of this post is still a little painful for me.

So we clearly have a child that is operating on selfishness, manipulation, without conscience or cause and effect thinking. It wasn't that specific to me. I didn't understand the extent of the damage she had endured or that she could even be so calculated.

What I did know is for all the wrong decisions and bad behaviors there needed to be consequences. So I draw on my limited discipline knowledge that I used for three very obedient boys. We begin with timeout. I could put her in the corner where she would just spit on the walls or pee on the floor. She spent a significant amount of time in her room although I knew it wasn't serving any productive purpose. I could not withhold things from her because she didn't value anything. Although she clearly acted like the very thing we were taking away from her was life itself. But it was so superficial as time would tell. As were most of her emotions. We would try to bribe her but she would sabotage it. Nothing I was doing was working. I was operating on very high levels of anxiety and finally succumb to spanking. This was scary for a number of reasons. I didn't like it. I felt out of control. She seemed to prefer it to a timeout. And it was the only thing that would get her to be compliant. But only for a moment. I then would feel terribly about how strict we were being with her and convince myself she needed more love. It was a destructive, emotionally draining cycle that this clever little girl recognized. She knew if she pushed hard enough she would get an enormous amount of negative attention and confidently knew would be followed by an enormous amount of positive attention and love. She knew exactly what to do to get the most reaction out of me. I had no idea that a 4,5, 6 year old could be so manipulating. I had no idea that she reveled in the negative attention as much as the positive. I had no idea that her meaning of love was attention and only went one way. I had no idea that every one of my reactions were digging a deeper hole in which I had no idea how to get out of.

Lighten up

2008-03-30T15:42:00.002-06:00

Thought I would post some funny things the boys have said over the years:

Cameron singing me a Row, row, row your boat:

"Row, row, row your boat gently down the drain

Merrily, Merrily quite contrary how does

you garden grow?"

I had been searching for a notebook for three weeks and finally decided to say a little prayer. After I finished I went downstairs, straight to the closet and the box it was in. I knew this would be a great opportunity to teach Cameron about Heavenly Father answering prayers. Only half-interested he looked up and said, "You got your wish!"

When Noah was 3, he ran into my bedroom to watch TV. As I came in he was lying on my pillow, smiling so big saying, "Mommy, I got your parking spot!" Apparently I spent a lot of time there:)

One Christmas Noah was very introspective. I asked what he wanted for Christmas. He thought for a moment and said, "Everything I don't already have." While looking through a toy catalog he asked, "Can Santa hear us from here?" I said, "No." And he replied, "Maybe we should talk louder."

One night putting Noah to bed he was holding on to his arm in pain and said in a suffering voice, "My arm hurts, I think it's losing weight."

Noah came walking out of the bathroom and I heard him say, "Simon says..." He then looked at me and said, "What does Simon say?" I explained the game to him and said, "Simon says put your finger in your ear" then "Simon says put your other finger in your ear." I then said, "Take them out" and Noah said, "What? I can't hear you?"

Last one:

One day Noah and I were riding in the car.

It was very quiet and he said, "Jesus is talking to me."

I said, "Oh, really? What is he saying?"

Noah said, "Well, he is really talking to Daddy. He says to keep both hands on the steering wheel."

The next night I was sitting by him and I said, "Is Jesus talking to you?"

He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "No, that was yesterday and there was a light."

I think Jay drove a little safer for a while

Her Conflict and Mine

2008-03-29T12:30:00.000-06:00

I felt inadequate. Conditional. Unfair. Angry. Misunderstood. We were treating her so differently from the boys and I didn't like it but she was so different. But again unless you lived with her you couldn't see it. So I felt an enormous amount of guilt from those on the outside looking in. I had virtually no patience with her and found myself yelling at the kids. And for me this was so disappointing because it meant I felt out of control. There were a few things I would do better as a parent than I had growing up and this was one of them. But I wasn't doing better. I see now I was very hard on myself. I was taking the blame for so many of her actions. I clearly needed help. But I have discovered on this journey that I don't like to ask for help and I don't want to appear needy. That I gladly report is changing. So for far too long I felt like the source of the problem. Nobody would believe that this small girl could cause so much torment. I could hardly believe it myself. The dynamics of the family were changing. The spirit in the house was contentious. I was experiencing anxiety attacks (I recognize that now). And I had no outlet. And all the while, I tried to put on my best face. I felt fraudulent. I was becoming and doing things that I told myself I would never do as a parent. It was causing the trauma I was feeling from her to be more intense that it ever should have been. These feelings, at varying degrees, lasted for nearly 2 years.

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

2008-03-29T12:00:00.001-06:00

I can tell you that while I couldn't make sense of her behaviors, something felt terribly wrong. As I shared these and other behaviors with friends and family I always got the same response. Lying, sneaking? "Oh my kid does that'. Talking and wetting the bed? 'That is a girl thing.' And even, "You finally got a difficult child." A favorite was "Well, if she was in the orphanage 4 years, you need to give her 4 years to adjust." These were all statements from certainly well-intentioned, caring people that did nothing for my mental health. Never once did I hear something that could possibly explain the lack of feelings I had for this child. This was scary for a mother, whose natural instincts are to be so nurturing. Those natural tendencies were running for the nearest exit. The stress and anxiousness I felt from her demands and my lack of understand were beginning to push me to the edge of sanity. It was only magnified by her behavior outside of the house.

If you did not live with this girl, this is what you saw: beautiful, happy, always smiling, sweet, charming, extremely smart. If you lived with this girl, this is what you saw: fear, anger, vengence, manipulation, misery, extremely smart. I have learned that it is nearly impossible to convince someone that has not spent at least a week with her, the intensity of this destructive behavior. Most just cannot see past the face. And she saves her best behavior for everyone else. So I can't and don't expect much understanding from others.
I knew others just felt like I had a strong-willed, difficult child but it felt so much more complicated than that. I was starting to convince myself that the problem was me.

A Hint of Rose

2008-03-29T11:20:00.002-06:00

I guess I can admit that the glasses I was looking through were a wee bit rosy. There are a myriad of reasons that people choose to adopt. A universal reason is that of service. I knew that I was capable of providing Victoria with all the material and emotional needs that she lacked for many years. I did think that would make all the difference in her life. Yet, it hasn't. I wasn't as prepared as I thought.

After about 6 months of being home I started to notice some consistent behaviors that I could no longer attribute to a language barrier. These are in no particular order, just as I think of them. These behaviors also seem insignificant. Which is why I didn't really know that there was a problem.

We will start with rocking. This is a typical behavior of children in orphanages. It is a comfort and soothing mechanism for them. It is recommended that when they begin to rock that you cuddle with them and rock them. Victoria's rocking never looked soothing but I guess it was. She would rock lying down going from side to side with her arms stretched out and hands clasped together. This was not slow and gentle. It was fast and furious. So whenever I saw her rocking I would cuddle with her and encourage her to stop. I spent hours doing this. However, this seemed to only encourage her rocking. This will be a recurring theme in my life that took me far too long to pick up on: the more I told her not to do something the more she did it. When I would rock her she would have a huge smile on her face but her eyes seemed empty.

Her smile complicated, complicates, my life.

As time went on the rocking became less about comfort and more about attention. She could control the rocking if she wanted and it became a power struggle in which she won both ways. So you are thinking just ignore it, right? So difficult. Every morning as I combed her hair it would be a ball of tangles from a night of rocking. She didn't even need to tell me and I know she felt empowered by it. I tried to praise her when I know she didn't rock and it didn't seemed to make a difference.

Toilet training. I anticipated some delays but this was so much more. So she had "accidents" often. She was wearing pull ups for nearly the first year or more that she was home. She was always needing help getting on and off the toilet (with a step stool). This small act became a source of contention because at times she needed no help. I was especially sensitive to this as someone who wet the bed when I was an older child and have memories of an impatient parent. I recall that certainly when I was younger it was not intentional. So we limited her drinks at night (as you will see later this seemingly normal act was a nightmare), made sure she went to the bathroom before bed, occasionally woke her up in the middle of the night and from a doctors recommendation, had her delay going to the bathroom to strengthen what might be weak muscles.

So, she would tell me she needed to go to the bathroom and I would try to delay it by giving her something to do or entertain her for a while. Yes, then, she needed to go to the bathroom ALL the time. I didn't pick up on it initially that she was doing it for the attention. The only thing I was picking up on was how irritating it was. So when I stopped entertaining her she just stood there and wet her pants.

She would wet the bed and be soaked from her head to her toes. She would often not pee in the bed until I went to wake her up in the morning.

Telling her she couldn't have a drink after 7pm only encouraged her to do everything she could to get a drink and lots of it after 7pm. She would sneak out of bed, find a drink anywhere. The sink, the tub, the kitchen, the toilet. Incredulous. I must tell you at this point, as there are far more troubling behaviors than this, is I had no idea what was going on. I saw it as blatant and intentional disobedience. I wish I could say that I suspected other motivating factors but I simply didn't.

Her lying was incessant and crazy. She would lie about eating candy and the wrappers would be all around her. I couldn't trust anything she did or anything she said.

She was always sneaking. Sneaking food, toys, drinks, anything that she was told not to. This among other things was increasing my anxiety.

She was obsessed with drinks. She wanted any drink and lots of it. Initially I had to practically force feed her. ( I see now that was a control issue). And now while the drink issue has subsided, it has been replaced with food.

She demanded my attention all the time. She would talk unceasingly about nothing. It was constant chatter and senseless. In the car, everywhere. I couldn't tell her to be quiet, that just fueled the fire.

Destructive. She didn't value anything. She would destroy toys, her clothes, things that after 3 boys I thought were unbreakable. It made me not want to give her anything.

There are many, many more but I need something to write in my book and I simply think it is too lengthy here. But what I want to convey is that all of these seemingly normal difficult behaviors were coming from a very destructive place. I couldn't make sense of it, but I felt it. And sadly, I was reacting to all of it.

I was taking such care to nurture her and care for her emotionally despite (what I know now) were controlling and survival techniques. But to me they just felt hateful, damaging and intentional. The most difficult part I think was that there wasn't ever any remorse for the turmoil she was causing. I wasn't having any tender feelings toward Victoria and I needed to figure out what was going on. So, first I talked to family and friends.

Disclaimer:

2008-03-28T11:57:00.001-06:00

I feel compelled to let you know that I am by no means an expert on adoption, attachment disorders, parenting, discipline and now that I think of it, anything. This is just one of thousands of stories. No two children are exactly alike and certainly each parents reactions are different. I can easily tell you there are MANY that could have done a better job than I. The Lord either had an enormous amount of faith in me or he was taking a really big risk. I have to believe it was the first, because being a gambler certainly is not one of His attributes.

I am apprehensive to try to tell my story in print because I know I will not be able to convey the torment that I have felt. I wish, at times, that her behaviors were more blatant and obvious. If she were starting fires, killing the neighbors cat or being violent it would be so much easier for you to see the difficulties. But she is very passive. I suppose she was doing the worse things she could think of in her 4,5,6 year old world. And she didn't need to burn down the house because what she was doing was giving her the desired effects.

Welcome Home

2008-03-25T21:15:00.000-06:00

Jay and I traveled to Belarus in 2004 and brought Victoria home to our family of three boys. We were all thrilled to have her here. She was not only a beautiful little girl but also had the brightest smile. I thought I was prepared to bring her into our family. I had spoken with other adoptive parents, talked to renowned international adoption doctors, read many books and faithfully followed other people's journeys to adoption on message boards. There were many positive experiences and happily ever afters. I had also read about the challenges, especially attachment disorders, and felt fairly certain that I was ready to bring this little girl home.

The first couple of months were certainly a "honeymoon" period. She was getting an enormous amount of attention from us and many family and friends. It was entertaining trying to communicate with her using our very broken Russian and mostly charades. She loved attention. She loved to hug and be hugged. She didn't mind being touched, held or kissed. I was relieved. I thought during these couple of months that we had avoided the challenges of attachment. I was certain our biggest problem would be learning and speech delays. I was very attentive to providing her consistent touch and affection. She was the center of our conversations at home and everywhere else.

She was so tiny at 4 years old she was wearing 24 mos clothing. It was so refreshing to buy girl clothes after 6 years of boys. Her hair was so short, which was typical of an orphanage, so I looked forward to growing out and fixing her very blonde hair.

She blended so well into the family. Initially she fit right in and I was amazed at the ease in transition. I will say I experienced some unexpected mourning for Noah (who is 19 days older than Victoria) and I as we had spent so much time together before she arrived. But it didn't seem disruptive to our relationship.

We had a few problems but they were all expected. Toilet training, strange foods, language, going to strangers. We were amazed that within a couple of months she was understanding everything we said and by six months she was putting a few words together to make sentences. But during this time more complicated things began to manifest themselves. It was subtle and unspoken. It was making me feel uncertain about myself and very confused.

This Week Top Ten

2008-03-14T16:06:00.001-06:00

I have got to break up this seriousness. So for the fun of it; I will list my top ten most played songs from my IPOD:

10 Tomorrow Avril Lavigne

9 Demons Kenny Chesney

8 Say John Mayer

7 Where'd You Go Fort Minor

6 Bring on the Rain Jo Dee Messina

5 The Blessing Celtic Woman

4 The Riddle Five for Fighting

3 Won't Go Home Without You Maroon 5

2 I Don't Wanna Be in Love Good Charlotte

1 Shadow of the Day Linkin Park

Many, Some, None

2008-03-13T18:58:00.001-06:00

Many of you know that 3 1/2 years ago we anxiously adopted a beautiful, blonde, blue-eyed, four year old little girl.

Some of you know the struggle we have had with bonding and issues with attachment disorder.

Nearly none of you know the intensity of my suffering I have had not being able to do what was required of me to help this tiny, broken, child.

I finally feel comfortable telling part of my story even though I am still very much living it. I am not going to be terribly specific because I don't think this is the right medium but I hope to provide some insight in which you might learn something new or interesting and not totally bore you.

Hindsight. Is it biased? Probably. I will relate my experiences as I remember them but also with the new found understanding that comes with reflection and life's learning curve.

Sand and Foam

2008-03-04T22:19:00.000-07:00

"Only great sorrow or great joy can reveal your truth.

If you would be revealed you must either dance naked in the sun, or carry your cross."-Gibran

The truth revealed in my next few posts will indicate that I am in fact trudging along with my cross but you will want to stay as I anticipate great joy coming and loads of sunshine. And no I won't post the photos of me dancing.

A Different Life

2008-03-04T21:43:00.000-07:00

I feel like I need a new blog name to distinguish between this new beginning and the previous posts that seem like a totally different life. Our time in Europe seems like a dream. Now my posts will pale in comparison as I muse on the ordinary life. But I am still Jodi and this is still a blog so it will remain. It will be nice not to try to be so interesting. My intentions here are totally selfish so you won't find many updates on the family. Just me.

A Simple Phrase

2007-06-10T16:11:00.000-06:00

Our Bishop in Church spoke for about 5 minutes and included these words that really left an impression on me.

Be gentle with your children and free with your forgiveness.

I have a child that challenges me on both. I must be more sensitive.

Our Last Hurrah

2007-06-04T13:12:00.000-06:00

Well, to cap off the nearly year long adventure we surprised the kids by meeting up with their cousins for an 11 day Mediterranean Disney Cruise. Cruises aren't my first choice for vacationing but for kids this would be hard to beat. They love the freedom to roam the ship. Cruises for me are too confining, too much food, and not enough time at each port. However, I realize there are enough positives that this won't be my last.
There are some FANATICAL Disney folks on this ship and I don't mean those under three feet. Come on, you know them. In fact you might be one. Their future always includes the next Disney destination. I just don't understand it but I guess I don't need to. I guess I also didn't understand all they hype about Joey Fatone and Kim Johnson being on board. It doesn't help that I was too old for the whole N'Sync thing and out of the country for the whole "Dancing with the Stars" thing.
It had me thinking...who would I really be star-struck by? I like to think I wouldn't be fazed but I don't know...I'm still thinking.

Links in Scotland

2007-05-20T15:46:00.000-06:00

It wasn't the Old Course at St Andrews, but we can say we golfed in Scotland. I love being able to spend time with my Dad doing something we both enjoy. I wish I were a bit more competitive for him but he doesn't seem to mind. With my few extra hours during the day this Fall, I should be improving my golf game.
The golf course in Edinburgh, Braid Hills, was interesting. Most courses in Ireland and Scotland are walking, there aren't any golf carts, this was one of them. And I can see why, there would be no way a golf cart could navigate this path.

And hills, oh my. We really got a workout on this course.

And some great views
Thanks Dad

Explore Dream Discover

2007-05-19T03:47:00.000-06:00

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~Mark Twain

I am constantly thinking about things to do. All of my kids will be in school this Fall. And while I won't have loads more time for myself, there will be a few more hours in the day I would like to occupy with something new. Maybe college courses, piano lessons, volunteer work, creating a family travel website, are just a few ideas. What are some of things you look forward to doing or starting when the time is right?

Good Candy, Fun Name

2007-05-10T11:39:00.000-06:00

I have so many travel blogs to write and pictures to post but even the thought of it is exhausting so instead I bring you these: Curly Wurly They are reminiscent of the Marathon bar from long ago but without the waxy chocolate. This chocolate is creamy and with the caramel is very, very yummy. I don't know if these are available in the States but if you see one, try it. If you can't find them and think you might need one, let me know.

Queen of the Adriatic

2007-04-21T01:04:00.000-06:00

We flew into Milan and took the three hour train to Venice. Here we met our good friends, Wendy and Eric for a week in Italy. We spent three days in Venice. We stayed at the Hotel Al Piave, which I definitely recommend. The breakfast is very light but nice and the location superb. Infact, while sitting in the small lobby-type area, who comes walking in, but the travel guru himself, Rick Steves. A good indication, I believe, on my choice of hotel.
After arriving at the train station we purchase our Vaporetto (waterbus tickets). Venice is beautiful and the water mesmerizing and the buildings dream like but I, and only speaking for myself, would get tired of the restricting water. For our three shorts days it was a novelty but if I had to live there I would surely tire of it. And it is just as you can imagine it or have seen in the pictures. Old buildings with window boxes overflowing with flowers, narrow streets, stucco chipping away revealing brick underneath, large shutters, beautiful large doors. I remember seeing houses in Utah now trying to achieve this same effect. It just isn’t even close. What a perfect week to visit Italy, lower to mid 70’s our entire trip with bright sunshine.
Our first day was spent visiting the Church at San Marco square, feeding the pigeons, visiting the Rialto Bridge. The Church at San Marco is massive and covered with gold mosaics made with the tiniest of tiles. The floor is also covered with small tiles which I don’t recall in any other church we have visited. The kids and the adults had a great time feeding the pigeons as they flew up on our arms and even occasionally someone’s head. We headed over to the Realto Bridge that is lined with shops. Our friends, the Reynolds, are getting their first introduction to Europe, walking and lots of it. They had no idea, I’m sure, that there wouldn’t be much relaxation on this vacation.

Sunday we awoke to visit a couple of churches, Santa Maria de Miracoli and S. Giovanni e Paolo. We were able to see Mass in one and a group in traditional dress singing outside the other. Our guest overslept so we went back to get them and headed out to the beach. The Lido is a mainland barrier between Venice and the sea. The public beaches aren’t maintained very well. You would need to go to one of the private resorts to find a really good spot but the public beach was good enough for wading, a bit too chilly for swimming. We walked around the island for a while and took the 20 minute waterbus ride back to San Marco. After dinner Cameron and I decided to walk around. And walk we did. The streets are so confusing. The majority of our walk was trying to figure out how to get back to the hotel.

Monday morning we headed over to the Doge’s palace. This is the seat of government that ruled for 1000 years. It is a pink and white marble structure with apartments, assembly rooms, and the bridge of Sighs that leads to the prisons. We all enjoyed this tour. We then headed over to a Franciscan church, ate a good and cheap lunch at Pizzaria Alle Oche. It is the only restaurant I can recommend. We didn’t have really good food in Venice. We went over to the Ca’ Rezzonico. A home of affluent Venetians. A life of indulgence and enormous rooms. After a small break we headed out for our last dinner in Venice and the obligatory gondola ride. The rides are expensive, about 80 euro for 35 minutes and they get more expensive from there. But it was nice and the kids loved it.
Venice was nice. I didn’t realize how quiet it was until we went to Florence the following day and then I really appreciated the lack of motorized vehicles. Venice was quiet and charming but I must go against the tide and say it wasn’t one of my favorite destinations in Europe.

Pictures should be posted tomorrow www.beantracker.phanfare.com

Praha

2007-04-01T11:37:00.000-06:00

Lesser Town, Old Town, New Town, Jewish Quarter, Prague Castle. These are the places Jay and I spent our weekend. "You must go to Prague" was the directive given to us by many and it is true. The whole weekend I felt like I was walking around a movie set. The vastness of the architecture, the colors of the paint, the roof lines, the cobblestone streets and sidewalks, and the trams all lent itself to being somewhere else than the real world. I am sure this is contained to the small city of Prague and the rest of the county is probably quite different but isn’t that the case for most major cities in a country. They don’t truly reflect the whole country. New York City, Los Angeles is what most foreigners think America is like. Yikes, let’s not tell them about Knob Noster, Missouri and Vernal, Utah.

I will let the photos tell the story but the weather was great and again so easy to get around, communicate (I am so glad that English is a universal language, well in larger European cities at least), and no strange foods to contend with.

Less Than 3 Months

2007-03-26T17:52:00.000-06:00

Where has all the time gone…? It just doesn’t seem fair that we are just now finding our groove here in Ireland. We have learned to navigate without TomTom (our GPS) and drive safely down the left side of the road. We have finally found good food, good weather and met some very good friends. We are getting used to the slow pace, slim pickins’ and life of leisure. We can finally understand most of the different accents we hear and have picked up some fun Irish phrases. We have learned to really appreciate and take advantage of sunny days. We have uncovered some magical places here. As Spring approaches, we are about to see the Emerald Isle shine its brightest. We have strengthened bonds within our family that only being together 24/7 can do and embarrassingly not have much of a life outside of each other. We can now hand over our change confidently without examining each piece and our US currency is starting to look like fake money. We have stopped trying to keep up on the latest music, news and sports and have embraced the music that doesn’t make it across the Atlantic, follow the football (soccer), GAA and cricket. (OK, not really cricket because we still don’t understand it, and I do still watch American Idol twice on Saturdays although it is old news by then) We have found a thousand more places that we would love to visit and know that when we return it will be with jet lag and a rigid itinerary. We can really appreciate a good rain jacket, good duvet, warm slippers and hot cocoa. I don’t mind cookie cutter houses so much anymore as long as you have your own colorful door. I am just now finding the great destinations of mass transit and the power of walking to the neighborhood grocery store. I am finding out we are more the same than we are different. I am finding all these things as I find myself on the homestretch. We have packed our schedule to take advantage of every moment as we sense the close of this chapter nearing. But even with all the new experiences, feelings and people it doesn’t replace the anticipation of returning to the greatest country in the world, seeing old friends, spending time with family and just, coming home.

Happy St Patricks Day!

2007-03-17T12:42:00.000-06:00

It was interesting to be in Ireland during this holiday. I was able to find out some interesting facts about the celebrations here. Firstly, this was usually a religious holiday. A break from Lent, a celebration and an extra Mass. Not so much anymore. The first St. Patrick's Day parade was actually held in the United States. And from what I can gather, if not for the US the festivities would not be so big here.

Parents aren't obsessed about getting their kids dressed up in green and the pinching thing...not here. You see more national colors: green, white and orange. I like it more so than just the green. This is the only time I have seen an abundance of national pride and flags coming out in full force. Oh except, maybe the England vs Ireland rugby match a few weeks ago.

The two older boys and I ventured down to the city center to witness the parade. All recommendations say to get there early (we did) and leave early (we did). We stood waiting for about an hour for the parade to start. We were about three people deep, we would have had to show up about 3 hours early to get the front row. And we had about 3 or 4 rows of people behind us. From what I can tell if it weren't for US High School and college marching bands and other nationalities there wouldn't be much of a parade which I am sure is just fine with the Irish. It is lucrative for them to have all the tourist(so much so the festival lasts five days) and gives them a long weekend to do what they do best: PARTY. I heard more Americans around than I have since I have been here. The weather was chilly and we didn't stick around but the atmosphere was fun, apparently that changes as the day lingers. It gets a little crazy if not dangerous when the drink starts flowing and craic sets in. Sorry no photos, I forgot the camera.

So we can say we have been there, done that and have some great St. Patty's (that is just not said here) paraphernalia for the years to come.

The Red Sox wore green jerseys? It is definitely a bigger deal in the US.

Feeling a bit Introspective

2007-03-16T15:35:00.000-06:00

I Did Not Dream This for Myself

I have not accomplished many of my dreams
Yet, I don’t feel unfulfilled.

It was as if there were different dreams awaiting me
That I could not imagine

I have just followed this path
With a listening heart and a wandering soul

I am surrounded by love and friendship
Yet I did not dream this for myself

I have been blessed with an abundance
Yet I did not dream this for myself

I have gone to faraway places that I did not know existed
Yet I did not dream this for myself

Someone’s dreams for me are bigger than my own
And I recognize Him and feel comfortable following His lead

I did not dream this for myself
And that is a dream come true.

What does this mean?

2007-03-16T15:18:00.000-06:00

Jay and I both forgot our 14th wedding anniversary?! How does that happen that we both forgot? I think we should buy each other these.

Touring Ireland

2007-02-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

Jay’s parents came into town for 10 days and we are so happy to have them here. We spent the first three days letting them acclimate and touring around Dublin. Leaving the kids at home with Breanna, Jay and I set out with them to tour the South and West of Ireland. We had five days and I took a condensed version of many of the recommended drives. We started out from Dublin to Cork (about 3 hours) with stops in Cashel to see the Rock of Cashel and Cahir to see the Castle but the Swiss cottage I was hoping to see was closed.

In Cork, we stayed at the Garnish House Bed and Breakfast. The rooms were typically small but the bathroom did have a jacuzzi tub. It was quiet and clean and the breakfast was amazing. It boasts over 28 menu items and the food we had was delicious. We only stayed in Cork for the night. The city is big and with all the quaint beautiful towns awaiting us we didn’t stick around. We headed over to the obligatory Blarney Castle. It is a great castle on amazing grounds. The steps up to the top were narrow, spiral and of varying widths of rock. They were also wet so a bit treacherous. But we made it to the top (Norma chose not to climb) and kissed the Blarney stone so all of my blogs should now be full of eloquence.

We left Cork and headed for the beautiful town of Killarney. It is between these two towns we saw the most spectacular scenery. Flat lands, to mountains, rolling hills and ocean front. It is still very green and I can’t imagine the vibrancy in the Spring and Summer. It’s hard to believe after being in Dublin for so long that this is the same country. I am a bit sad thinking it’s taken over half of our trip to venture out of Dublin but we have been so busy and all of this does require driving which with four kids isn’t exactly relaxing and fun. There aren’t many stops to make along this way which is perfectly fine since the scenery keeps us busy. We pass the town of Kenmare (that is on the Ring of Kerry (which is a circular drive that begins and ends in Killarney that is famous for its scenery) I wish we would have stopped here as it looked like they had cute shops. We drove part of the Ring on the way to Killarney and that was all that we would do on this trip. The perfect planning would have given us at least two days here. We drove along the lakes (there are three of them) to our accommodations for the night the Lake Hotel. As the name insists, it is located right on the lake and the rooms are large, beautiful and we are on the ground floor with a sliding glass door out to the lake area. Breakfast and dinner was included in almost all of the hotels. Since the meals are so big we really only ate twice a day. Although, I think all of this travelling and amongst other things have sent my internal balance into a tail spin. My body is staging a revolt it doesn’t want to eat or travel. What to do? I am suppose to leave for Amsterdam in 5 days…..

Anyway, the dinner was great in Killarney. The following day we went to see the Muckross house but unfortunately it was closed until April. So we hired a jaunting cart (pony cart) to see the waterfall. The guy that took us up I am convinced is a leprechaun. Listening to him sing and talk was like flipping through a television station every 5 seconds. He knew about 5 words to 15000 songs. But it was entertaining and interesting enough. The falls were gorgeous but he kept reminding us they were not Niagara. We headed out of town and missed the turn off for the Ross castle so we will have to catch that with the kids. We drove on towards Ennis, sort of a layover destination on the way to Galway. We stopped at a Franciscan Friary, (we saw from the road) in that was in partial ruin. But enough remained to really enjoy the architecture. Apparently they used to allow burials within the walls so you would see headstones hanging on the walls. The grounds of this and as I noticed, many other churches and abbeys in ruins are used as cemeteries.

This drive didn’t include as spectacular scenery but still beautiful and continued through all the quaint towns with their colorful store fronts and large signage. For some strange reason, the Irish are not afraid to paint their homes and business, ANY color. Bright purple was my favorite but yellow paint seems to be a best seller. There isn’t much cultivation and the only livestock you see are occasional cows (never a herd) and mostly sheep. Our hotel in Ennis was the Woodstock hotel. It also had unique, large Victorian rooms. Dinner was good but nothing truly amazing about this place. From here we visited the Bunratty Castle. It was a great Castle that had period furniture inside as well as cottages and workshops on the ground.

We headed towards our final destination, Galway. We first stopped at the Cliffs of Moher. The weather hasn’t been spectacular but it has been cooperative. However, while usually windy at the Cliffs, it was gale force. This really is one of the most fabulous, breath taking spots in Ireland and I knew this day would be an injustice. And it was. So Gary and Norma had to take the postcards word for it and Jay and I will return with the kids in the Spring.

Now, our accommodations for Galway.. I must admit that I didn’t thoroughly research all of my accommodations for this trip but they have all been unique and interesting. I didn’t realize however that the place I booked in Galway was actually in a town 15 minutes from there on back country roads. Nor did I realize it was an old manor (or that it is owned by Merv Griffin) I did know however that it was pricey as it was taking the place of the Dromoland castle that I wanted to stay in whose price made this manor look like Super 8. As we pulled up to St. Clerans, I was quite surprised. Jay went up to the door and using the huge door knocker waited to see if we were in the right place. Indeed we were. A fellow showed us through the entry and down wide carpeted steps to the two suites on the bottom floor. Spacious, full of antique furniture, heavy window treatments, fireplace, huge bathrooms and my favorite, L’Occitane soaps and lotions. So it has lots of ambiance and character that it will serve as nice ending of accommodations on our first trip around Ireland.

We had a superb dinner and the next morning I was hoping to go to Connemara west of Galway but we first headed up to Cong, a village 45 minutes north in County Mayo. Here was where the movie "The Quiet Man" with John Wayne was filmed and with folks intrigued by that sort of thing we headed over. Well, the cottage was closed as seemed most of the sleepy town but it was a nice drive. We didn't have time to take in Connemara so we headed home to Dubin.

It was an excellent trip with wonderful beds, tasty food and great company.

I asked the boys what they thought

2007-02-16T13:36:00.000-07:00

was better in Ireland/Europe...

Cameron
~Ice cream
~Bread
~Being seven hours ahead we get to see things earlier like, New Years and breakfast
~Castles
~We get to wear compulsory swim caps at the pool

~movie theaters are never busy

Grant

~Pizza

~School teacher

~Four hours of school

~Nice people

~Going to school with no shirt on

~More history

~Reflective bike vests

Obviously they found this task difficult and didn't give it very much thought.....

I Love This Movie..

2007-02-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

I realize everyone has probably already seen this and it is old news. But, it just opened at the cinema here in Ireland. I love the soundtrack and especially the song from Sarah McLachlan. Although can a miracle really be ordinary? The story reteaches us important truths that make it a timeless classic.....

With much phanfare....

2007-02-03T17:08:00.000-07:00

I announce you can now view photos from a much more interesting and interactive site. www.beantracker.phanfare.com I will eventually be loading the past photos here as well.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen.....

2007-02-03T07:24:00.000-07:00

I put this trip together in about 5 days before we left. I found our apartment from a recommendation on slowtrav.com. I keep forgetting to take photos of the places we stay but you can see it here. It is the blue apartment. Our trip got off to a 2 hour delay at the Dublin airport so we got into Rome about 7:30pm, a three hour flight. We took a taxi to our apartment from the Ciampino airport that Ryanair flies into. It takes about 30-40 minutes and the cab fare should be a flat rate of 30 or 40 euro depending on the time of day, or you can take a bus into the main train station. I had Rick Steve's Italy 2006 that I relied heavily upon for recommendations.

Our apartment was in a great location but it was on a noisy pedestrian street. The weekends were the noisiest but even on the weekdays it would wake me up. We were near the street level so maybe a higher apartment would have been better. We awoke Sunday morning and I wasn't sure whether to seek our the LDS church or go check out the Pope at the Vatican. I was concerned about getting a taxi back from the ward building but now having visited and how close the chapel was, it wouldn't have been a problem. And we didn't think seeing the pope from his window would be too exciting. Now if he were out and about and we could check out the Prada shoes that would be another thing.

So we set off for our first destination the Pantheon. Just behind our apartment we first run into the cat sanctuary. Many stray cats living among the ruins, however they look healthy and well cared for. We did not venture down there. I am not sure you can. We arrive at the Pantheon and is one of my favorite destinations. I love the dome, the portico and how well preserved the inside is and it's free.

We eat lunch near here at Taverna Le Coppelle and it turns out to be our favorite meal. I had the vegetable zuppa, Cameron the pesto fettuccine, Brianna the cannelloni and Grant orders the same thing the whole trip, Margherita pizza. Everywhere we have the bruschette. We have gelato at one of the more popular locations: Palma and it was the best we had as well.

We head over to the Coloseum and the line wasn't extremely long but we didn't really feel like waiting and plan to return another day. So I follow the Rick Steve's guide and walk through the Forum pointing things out to my followers as if I really know what I am talking about. They know I don't but don't seem to mind. The weather is crisp and sunny. We walk our way back towards the apartment passing other ruins along the way. We eat dinner at a place our apartment owner recommends and is also in the Rick Steves's guidebook, . Cameron orders spaghetti bolognese, you know what Grant ordered and I thought I ordered the special: lasagne. And the waiter said something about tuna. I ask him if it was good and he said yes definitely. Well, I sat thinking about lasagne with tuna and I just wasn't looking forward to it. Well, amidst the language barrier I end up having spaghetti with tuna. Now, some things just don't go well together and for me this is one of them. So, I can't be objective with this place and think I owe it another opportunity with my Italian phrasebook in hand.

We sleep in each morning until 10 or 11 because what I am finding out, is that you can do Rome in as little as two days. Especially with kids. While they enjoyed the trip, there are not many kids activities. We set out for the Vatican. We wind our way through the narrow alleys and take the long way to everywhere but don't mind. We first start at the Vatican museum. I admit we don't take advantage of the full admission price and basically head to the Sistine Chapel. Although on the way there we see impressive statues, tapestries, frescoes but the main event is the Chapel. Grant has been studying the Italian Renaissance so he is familiar with the history and is able to point out some Michelangelo's more famous sections of the ceiling. No pictures here and no talking. Should a flash go off or the noise level rise: take cover. You will hear security yelling from across the room while running over to try to find the culprit. We took the exit from here (it is not clearly marked but read this in my guide) and this allowed us to avoid the long walk back to St Peter's Basilica. This church houses the famed statue by Michelangelo~ The Pieta. It is behind bullet proof glass after some maniac once took a hammer to it. The church is huge and is also one of my favorite sights. Breanna and Cameron take the elevator and 323 stairs to the dome. I decide after past experience Grant probably shouldn't go. So we head over to the Vatican post to send off some post cards and buy stamps for Noah who is collecting them. We eat lunch at another Rick Steve's suggestion near the Vatican called Perilli in Prati. It was OK. We take a taxi back to the apartment and rest up for our walk over to the Spanish Steps.

We take the Rick Steve's recommended night walk from Campo di Fiori to the Spanish Steps with an added bonus of my unintended detours. So what should have been a leisurely 1 mile walk was really kind-of-confusing-longer-than-a-mile-walk. To say the streets in Rome are confusing is an understatement. Here you will find all the shopping (mostly expensive) and much activity, especially on the weekends. I did allow the kids to eat at McDonald's here. Usually when Jay isn't around we avoid it at all cost. But it was the nicest McDonald's I have ever seen with granite, pillars, murals....the food isn't any better. We then walked down to Elevator Rome. It is a 3-D film with your seats on hydraulics and was worried about all the reviews I had read that says how nauseous it makes you. However, you would have to be very sensitive to motion to get sick on this. By the way, Rick Steve's calls this "cheesy and over-priced", he is exactly right and the kids love it.

Our last day in Rome I had planned on taking the double decker bus around but we never got to it. We walked in the morning to the Trevi fountain. This was also one of my favorites but it was also the most tourist packed place we visited. Apparently you should try to get here early but on this trip early wasn't in the plans. But I still loved it. We continued walking towards the Villa Borghese Park. It was all up hill but the day was gorgeous. Spring-like. This park is referred to as a "scruffy Central Park" and I would say that is pretty accurate. We rented a four wheeled bike that we all rode in for about an hour. I then rented the boys bikes for 30 minutes. We ate at the Hard Rock nearby. Their food usually isn't that great and it still wasn't but it was nice to see a menu with American food, and have some Nachos.

We leave the park and take a taxi to the St. Peters-in-Chains church. This was again one of my favorite places. Here you will find another Michelangelo sculpture: Moses and the chains that bound St. Peter. We thought about going to the Coloseum at this point but Cameron was the only one that wanted to go and after some discussion and realizing I had lost the apartment keys, we head back. We ate at a Mom and Pop place near our apartment. The food was good, not great but the owners were so nice and loved speaking to us in Italian with huge smiles on their faces as if we understood each word. We then called it a night and woke up early for our flight back to Dublin. The morning ride to the airport was nice as the huge sun (it does look bigger here, well compared to the sun we never see in Ireland, it would appear bigger everywhere) rising above Rome brought to life all the ruins that constantly whisper its history as you are living in the present. It amazes me each time I visit one of these ancient cities, how people live among these artifacts that are thousands of years old, that bear the names Bernini, Michelangelo, Caesar, Pantheon. And while they rise imperiously to the forefront for the visitor, they somehow for the locals become an unassuming backdrop.

You can find our photos at www.beantracker.phanfare.com" .

I'm It

2007-02-02T13:26:00.000-07:00

I have been tagged to reveal 5 things about me that you may not already know. So...

1) Despite my love of travel, and five years working for Southwest airlines, I don't like flying. It makes me nervous and anxious.

2) As a freshman in highschool we had to write a report on the career that we wanted. I wanted to be a television journalist. For some reason, I was researching how Barbara Walters got into the industry and decided to call her. What?! I think I called the studios where she was working, they asked me who was calling and put me through. Barbara answered and was shocked as how I got transferred to her. She answered a few of my questions then directed me to the Who's Who in the library. The only reason I can think they put me through is they heard "Jodi"- apparently that is her daughter's name.

3)I once tried throwing change into a toll basket in Dallas without stopping. I missed.

4) I have owned 4 cats: returned one, closed the garage door on another, a dog got the third and the last one we gave away. No more cats for the Beans.

5)I have only recently joined the sudoku craze.

This was incredibly difficult. During this moment of introspection I can either not remember anything or I am just not interesting or both.

Buongiorno!

2007-01-29T12:51:00.000-07:00

We were going to take the month off but I just couldn't. I read that Italy was experiencing Spring-like conditions and I had wanted to get to Rome before the heavy tourist season. Well, I wouldn't say it is Spring-like more like the beginning of Fall. It isn't bad. It beats the heat of the summer and the masses of people. Breanna, Cameron, Grant and I flew in Saturday evening and will go home on Wednesday morning. We are staying in an apartment in the Campo de Fiori area and while it is more noisy than I would prefer, the location is great. We can walk everywhere and only occasionally grab a taxi. We are adhering to a strict schedule of sights and the gelato keeps the kids going. I will add specifics when I get home and add photos since the only internet access we have is an internet cafe. But it is another great trip in a city with more history that one can wrap their mind around. Arrivederci!

Supporting a great cause: My mom and sister

2007-01-19T19:25:00.000-07:00

My mother and my sister both have MS. My sister Jaclyn is doing the MS walk in Kansas City and you can sponsor her at this link. Look for your local MS walk, they are usually sometime in April. It is a great way to support a cause that has yet to find a cure and enjoy the outdoors at the first signs of Spring. I looked here in Ireland for the MS walk. There are three: One in Nepal, Peru and Chile. What!?! Although it does look fun, couldn't they find something a little closer.... Dublin, Limerick, Cork?

How Could I Forget

2007-01-12T02:01:00.000-07:00

She kept trying to bend the rules of the giveaway~but came through with a suitcase full of goodies. So just for you Mom...choose one or all!

Alright, You Win!

2007-01-11T08:44:00.000-07:00

Well I am happy to report that we had a number of people take advantage of our one and only desperate giveaway. I am fairly confident that most of them had no idea that they had qualified but will be surprised and joyful, I am sure, when their prize arrives. I apologize for the poor photos. They really are pretty bad

It is with great honor that I announce the first winner is Melinda S. She has sent many packages and we are so grateful. Her prize comes from The Louvre in Paris. And fitting for her, it is this statue of Bastet, a cat goddess from Egyptian mythology, circa 6th century B.C. Here she is portrayed with her kittens symbolizing maternal love but a watchful expression ready to attack if necessary. There are many legends of this goddess but we will leave it at this gentle one and not the "female devourer" which is the literal meaning of Bastet.

Our second winner is Eric accompanying his Christmas card was also a box of Lucky Charms. I love this gift and I know he will appreciate it: a set of ball markers from the last 5 Ryder Cups and a divot repair tool. FORE!

I am pretty sure Majbritt had no idea she would be receiving a lovely Christmas linen and candles from Germany. These were bought at the Christmas market in Nuremberg. I love the material and large candle. Thanks for the card and the picture of your beautiful family. Hope to see you this Spring in Denmark!

Lily who has been so busy this year still managed to send out the loveliest Christmas card and I was able to catch up on everyone in the family letter. Lily is a great cook and hopefully she will be able to find time to use these great finds from London by Cath Kidston. A fun striped apron, a very cool double oven mitt and an adorable peg bag for clothes pins. I know she probably doesn't hang many clothes out on the line but I'm sure she can find it useful around the house.

The next winner gets a couple of things for 1) sending a card with her very cute kids on it and 2) for being a comment supporter on my blog. Being the chocolate connoisseur that Jenni is, I think she will be impressed with Demels, who have been making excessive and decadent sweets for over 200 years in Austria. Although ,it will be hard to tear these open as the packaging is gorgeous. And because we both know the Nutella in the States is not nearly as good, here is a jar.

Another great family photo accompanied the card from David and Liesl. Since I don't expect to see you out here in the Emerald Isle, just for you, I have chosen the "This is Ireland" book (I love the whole series that covers many different cities) and the Discover Ireland game. Have fun!

One thing we have found is that food is just better here in Europe, especially the sweets. For Mitch, we have the famed and very yummy official Mozart candy "Mozarkugeln" it has a core of pistachio and almond marzipan surrounded by nougat and covered in bittersweet chocolate. It was invented in Salzburg in 1890 and named after Mozart who was born there. While I wasn't able to get the original Mozarkugeln recognized by the blue and silver packaging this is still very good. Enjoy!

Chocolate covered wafers from Manner's, delicious meringue, and chocolate covered cookies with nonpareils (by the way, it is a Dutch custom to put "sprinkles"on children's sandwiches. Bread with nutella and "sprinkles" we will try that tomorrow) but I digress, all in a cute Christmas tin for Derek. Thanks for the card and the pancake mix!

These wafers from Manner are soooooo good. The original ones with hazelnut are addictive. I am so glad to be able to give these to Jed and Nyla for sending a card all the way to Ireland.

A cute card with kids that are growing so fast from Travis earned him these great mugs. 4 awesome colors with fun prints which we picked up in Spain.

I was surprised and excited to see a photo and a card from my dearest Aunt Patsy. My giveaway wouldn't be complete without some Waterford Crystal! (I have to add this photo later!)

I hope you all enjoy your gifts. Let me know here:)

Mind the Gap

2007-01-08T08:58:00.000-07:00

Jay and I just returned from (another for Jay) weekend in London. We drove over Thursday evening spending the night in Preston. Friday we attended the Temple and drove the remaining two hours into London. After dropping the car off near Heathrow airport we took the underground into Westminster station. As I came out of the underground onto the sidewalk there in front of me, in all his glory, looking larger and more impressive than print or television stood Big Ben surrounded by the Parliament. We didn’t do any sight seeing on this trip as I will wait to bring the family back but I will say that London is massive and daunting and will take a couple of trips to even scratch the surface of this amazing city. We stayed at the Marriott County Hall with a view of the London Eye. A great location and nice hotel.

We were able to see two shows on the West End. I LOVE live theatre. I love thinking that I could do that if only I could sing. And dance. We kept seeing posters everywhere showing Don Johnson starring in “Guys and Dolls”. While this wasn’t a real motivating factor (maybe 20 years ago, did I just say that? I am not old enough!) I did think it would be interesting to see him. So we bought tickets at the same day discount booth and although the seats weren’t great the prices were, half priced. Well, what all the posters failed to tell us, me, is that Don Johnson wouldn’t actually be appearing until the day after we leave. So, no Sonny Crockett but it was still entertaining. The second show was “Blood Brothers” which has been running for 20 years and spent a couple of years on Broadway. It was a more serious and sad show with a bit of humor but we liked it as well.

Right now is a great time to be shopping in London assuming your currency of choice is the Pound. There were great sales everywhere but after doing the conversion to dollars it just didn’t seem like a great deal after all. We stopped into Harrod’s and the place was a zoo. So many people and so many floors. We took advantage of the luxurious water closet and headed out figuring we wouldn’t be buying anything there anyway. I had about 5 stores I wanted to visit: Liberty, Waterstones, a stationery store, Sephora and Designers Guild. Our first stop, Designers Guild where they were having a huge sale. So much fabric, bed linens, home décor, I was in heaven. However, Jay was not. While he was a hero being my shopping cart for linens, I knew I couldn’t torture him by looking through bolts of fabric. I really need someone to walk through the shops in Chelsea with me. The only other store I made it to was the very cute store of Cath Kidston. But both were such great finds, I will save the others for another trip.

Just as a side note on eating: We ate at a Mexican restaurant in Leicester Square, Chiquito, and while it wasn’t too bad, it wasn’t familiar Mexican. A vegetable wrap and shrimp fajitas with hardly a spice but that is Europe for ya. We had the Sunday buffet at The Blue Elephant at the Fulham-Broadway stop. Very good Thai food.

The weather was expected London winter but nothing an umbrella couldn’t help. I am thinking that the British are very concerned for my safety. On the elevators you are constantly warned “Doors opening” “Doors closing” “Doors opening”. On the Underground, painted along the platform as you enter and exit the train reads “Mind the Gap” with a constant recording reminding you as the doors open and close. Hence the the title of this blog. So my first glimpse of London did not disappoint and I am looking forward to going back.

Our First Guest and Guest Blogger

2007-01-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

Thanks for coming to visit Gene. It was great to have you here!

This is Gene Gray, Jodi’s brother, going to let u know what’s happening here in Ireland. I came over from December 24-January 3 to spend Christmas and New Years’ with the Bean family. We spent Christmas here in Dublin which was great but just felt different because their werent’t lights everywhere like there are in the States. Of course, it’s all about spending time with family and making sure the kids have a good time which they did. They had plenty of presents and Santa was very kind, also. I was able to attend church with them on Sunday, Christmas Eve morning which is the day that I arrived. I want wish to all of u, as the Irish say, ”Happy(Merry) Christmas”. It was a very long flight but well worth it. The Irish are very nice and outgoing people and the city of Dublin is a great town with loads(lots) of old buildings, bridges, churches, and pubs for sure. I will be putting in some of the words or phrases that the Irish use from time to time with the meanings after them. Sometimes they can talk very fast but I seemed to start understanding them but had to really listen hard if they spoke quickly.

On Wednesday, we were headed for London because ever since I saw Peter Pan as a young lad(kid), it was a place that I had always wanted to visit. I truly love my sister and her family very much and am very thankful for the opportunities to spend time with them in such grand(great) places. It was Jay, Grant, Noah, and yours truly that took the road trip to England because Jodi wasn’t feeling well so Cameron and Tori stayed home. Hey, don’t feel bad for them too much because they will be taking the journey later on in the new year. For those wondering about Brianna, she was able to go home for the holidays to visit her family in Colorado. Anyway, we took the van by way of the ferry over the Irish Sea and had to drive what was supposed to be about 4-5 hours but took almost 8 because of the holiday traffic. The drive was worth the sight-seeing because we were able to drive down part of the coast which was amazing with water on one side and rolling hills plus mountains on the other. There were some castles and some terrific views of the countryside with horses and lots of sheep. We were on the motorway(freeway) for most of the time with some country roads mixed in between.

We arrived in London at approximately 9 p.m. and stayed at the Marriott Renaissance Hotel which was just sensational. The building was very old but had been refurbished in 1998 which had a beautiful courtyard and staircases that had several different kinds of marble. It was very lovely(nice). We went around the city on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday by Taxi, the Tube(subway), and the Big Red Bus which had an opening on the top deck. On Thursday, we took the bus around quite a bit of the city streets and saw St. Paul’s Cathedral, Tower Bridge, Tower of London, and got off on the stop for the London Eye. This was built in 2000 and it looked just like a wheel similar to a huge ferris wheel with big viewing capsules that went around very slowly to view the entire city. It was a perfect place to take pictures and hopefully u will be able to view some of them. The wheel went probably as high as the St. Louis arch with only one exception being that u could see everything from the front and sides of the capsules. It was very crowded and took about two hours to get tickets and actually get all the way around the wheel. We proceeded on by going to a merry-go-round for Noah, who thought that was the best thing about London. After Noah and Grant rode on the grizzly bears, the next stop was across the bridge to the Houses of Parliament with Big Ben and the Westminister Abbey. I had always wanted to see that big ol’ clock but it was even better than anything on tv or books where I had viewed it. The Abbey was exactly what u had seen on tv and resembled the Salt Lake Temple in size, just absolutely amazing. If u have never been to London, it is a trip u have to do someday, it is a lot like New York City. Now, one thing I will tell u is that with the exchange rate everything costs double what it does in the U.S. Many Brits will travel to New York City just to go shopping to save money. I never realized how lucky Americans are but trust me I will never take for granted our roads, grocery stores, shopping centers, and even gas prices ever again. Other than the high prices though, London is a lot like New York City with tourists from all over the world and their cabs and phone booths are very unique. We have a lot in common with Brits and are very similar in a lot of ways.
Anyway, I am starting to get tired of typing so I will go through this a little bit quicker. During the next few days, Noah got sick at Hard Rock Café, Grant and I went to the Tower of London and the Tower Bridge, Jay and the kids went to the Science and Natural History Museum , I went to Buckingham Palace, Downing Street, Horse guards, Green Park, National Gallery, and Trafalgar Square. On Sunday, we went to Kensington Palace and Princess Di’s fountain but finished off with what had brought me to this grand city, the Peter Pan statue. I knew so much about London even without that movie but just having my picture taken in front of that statue really meant something. We left London on the morning of New Year’s Eve and stayed the night in Birmingham but also stopped at Costco’s. So we spent New Year’s Day driving back and taking the ferry and returned to Dublin about 6pm. On my last day here, I was tired from so much walking so I took it easy and we went downtown to one of the oldest pubs in Ireland to eat or supposedly the oldest but I’m not one to argue when your buildings been there since 1198. I guess that really shows what is so neat about these places, they have been around for thousands of years.
My sister and her family are so lucky to be able to stay in Ireland for a year and travel to these other countries but they still won’t be able to see everything because there are so many places over here. But I’ll just leave u with this, U know u are somewhere special when, I am standing amongst these buildings I have seen on the tele(tv) or in the movies and I actually have to pinch myself to remind me that I am really here. I just want to let the Bean family know how much I appreciate the opportunity to spend time with them in such a believable place, I can truly say that can’t I…..

Bling or No Bling

2006-12-19T17:16:00.000-07:00

I don't buy much fine jewelry. Well, any actually. I like to look in the windows along with everyone else but I don't often see pieces I long to have. But it just so happens that after passing this shop everytime we went to the Underground in Vienna, Jay and I finally went in. The saleslady brought out this piece. I tried it on. She said the color matched my eyes! (I know they are paid to say this stuff, but it was working, it still is) But as I slipped the ring off and I glanced at the tag: 6800 euros or $8900. So, I along with you, will have to admire this from the website. Olive is my favorite but I really would like to have the whole collection.

But I did uncover a great find along the narrow streets of Salzburg in a very cute boutique filled with all kinds of clothing by Lana natural wear. I chose the Melrose cardigan sweater made from natural materials and ecologically friendly processes. I am not sure what all that means except it is SO soft. I didn't let myself venture over to the kids collection, as you can see online, it is adorable.

The Hills are Alive!

2006-12-18T15:59:00.000-07:00

We took an hour and half train to Salzburg. I love to travel and I love planning it. While this is a first, mistakes are made. I had trouble finding a place to stay in Salzburg. At the last minute, I found the Renaissance Salzburg available. But apparently I only booked it for one night, not the day we arrived in Salzburg. The gentleman at the desk was very kind to call around to try to find us a place to stay. It was difficult but we finally got rooms at the Salzburg Airport hotel. I don’t have any photos but in our desperate state we were definitely taken to the cleaners.

There are about 145,000 inhabitants. It is a small city. We wandered around the narrow streets through the shops and markets. You wonder how the kids can handle all the window shopping? It is called pretzels, crepes, cinnamon apples, hotdogs, ice cream (they have Redbull ice cream. We have not told Jay. Their headquarters are here) hot chocolate, strudels, and so much more. My other mistake was thinking that we were going to visit the Neuschwanstein castle from Salzburg. No that would have been Munich. So I have decided we will come back and drive part of the Fairytale road in the spring which centers around the Brothers Grimm stories.

Jay and the boys went on a Saltmine tour while the girls went on the Sound of Music tour. The Saltmine tour was great. The SoM tour was good but I thought it could have been presented more interestingly. We did get to see some beautiful areas of the Austrian Alps. One of the most breathtaking was the Mondsee. There were great shops with gorgeous sweaters and cardigans. And tempting traditional Austrian clothing for Victoria and Noah but so expensive.

We took another relaxing 3 hour train ride into Vienna. The kids travel so well on the train, much better than the car. Vienna is much larger than Salzburg. This city is also beautiful but not the quaint feeling of Salzburg. We are staying at the Pension Pertschy and I love it. The location couldn't be more central and the rooms are large and unique. The Christmas lights throughout the city are beautiful. We ate at the Augustinerkeller. It was good food and desert and affordable.

Breanna, Cameron, Grant and I took the Imperial tour of the Schonbrunn palace. It was very impressive but the whole European royal genealogy is confusing me. It is too bad we were not here in the spring as the gardens would have been beautiful.

We are now feeling the cold here in Vienna. We opted not to window shop around Stephansplatz (I was tired of seeing the $14,000 watches) so we headed over to an indoor mall at the U1 Kagran stop. This evening we went over to the Christmas markets at Rathausplatz. Here among the incredible government buildings are huge trees full of lighted candy canes, wreaths, hearts, and bulbs. Again not my favorite market but the atmosphere is light and fun. We ate at a chain restaurant called Wienerwald (meaning forest of Vienna. Wein is German for Vienna) It wasn’t that great. Mostly grilled chicken, potato cakes, fries, chicken strips and veggies. But the kids ate well. And again very affordable to eat in Vienna.

Our Bavaria trip comes to and end as we head home to Dublin tomorrow night. We are planning to see a “Life in America” display at a local museum, get Cameron’s ice skating practice in for the week (Jay can only be a spectator), the Museum of Military History and pick up some last minute gift items from Demel’s and Manner’s. This is a magical time of the year to visit Germany and Austria. I can't even begin to explain the amazing architecture, sights and tastes but wish you all a visit here.

Prizes

2006-12-18T14:11:00.000-07:00

I know it may be hard for some of you justify the postage involved for an unknown prize but let me give you some parameters. It will be somewhere between this and this.

"Guten Tag!"

2006-12-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

The weather continues to be beautiful in Germany. We have been out to the Olympic village here in Munich (where we paid homage to Steve Prefontaine). It is a beautiful area with the old Olympic buildings and many parks and paths. We went up the Olympic tower and had a decent lunch at the cafeteria style restaurant next door. We went ice skating and everyone did pretty well. Jay had a minor mishap (we think he was attempting a quadruple klutz, I mean lutz) and he did a face plant sending his sunglasses flying across the ice and injuring his right hand. Very sore teeth, a fat lip and trouble holding even a toothbrush in his hand he is recuperating. I think his ice skating days might be over. But I think we said the same thing when he tried this about 6 years ago. Jay and the boys went to the BMW museum. Their headquarters are located next door and a very interesting building built to look like a four cylinder engine.
This hasn't been my favorite Christmas market except for the location on the Marienplatz surrounded by an amazing gothic City Hall. They have some great stores although we didn't do much shopping since we are travelling light taking the trains. We didn't make it to the Deutsches Museum and we will try to get over to the Nymphenburg Palace before we leave for Salzburg tomorrow. We didn't plan our time very efficiently here in Munich.
I had my first roasted chestnut but not on an open fire. And let's just say however festive it may be, it was my first and last. We had a delicious meal at Der Tannenbaum. Good Japanese soup at Shoya.
Blogger is still coming up in German. I just did spell check and it told me nearly all of my words are spelled wrong.
"Auf Wiederschauen!" except this one.

Our First and Only Desperate Giveaway

2006-12-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

My friend Jenni recently sent me to a blog where there are daily give aways in December of very cute prizes. I thought, "I want to give away things" but I don't have any conncections in any industries or enough traffic to justify getting free product. I am not even sure more than two supportive and very kind people read my blog. But we have collected some great things on our travels and are ready to give them away to some (two) very lucky readers. Here are the rules: From now until January 15th the first ten people to send 1) a christmas card or 2) a post card or 3) one of the following:
a box of Lucky Charms or your favorite cereal
a package of marshmellows
a box of Dots or your favorite candy
or something you don't think you could live with out from the good ol' USA

will be winners of one of our great prizes. Here is the address and good luck to both of you:)

Huntington, Outfarm Lane
Castleknock
Dublin 15 IRE

It's starting to feel alot like Christmas

2006-12-12T13:45:00.000-07:00

In Ireland, they are only now getting around to hanging a few Christmas lights and playing an occasional Christmas carol. To give you an idea of the weak Christmas spirit here, this is their favorite Christmas song for two years running. I prefer not to see the commercial part Christmas until after Thanksgiving but I also think by Dec 1 Christmas season should be in full force so that you can take advantage of the festive season for the whole month. The Irish will be lucky to get a good two weeks. I don't see any Christmas concerts or Angel trees out to buy less fortunate kids gifts for Christmas. I am not seeing much Christmas spirit.

Until I came to Germany. Here, they know how to celebrate Christmas. I mean, this is a place where Kris Kringle and St Nicholas are two different people that both deliver gifts on different days. The atmosphere is built around good, aromatic food, chocolate, festive music, chocolate, decorations, trees, music, I could go on and on.

We arrived in Frankfurt, Germany to cold weather with snow flurries. We stayed at the Couryard Frankfurt Messe. It was the right price but it was about 10 minutes from the city center and just not a good location if one was staying longer. We had lunch at the hotel and set off to the Zeilgalerie (mall) to pick up a few hats and some gloves since we will spending quite a bit of time outside. Just outside the mall we experienced our first Christmas market. Jay, feeling under the weather stayed at the hotel with the two younger ones. We walked along the stalls eating chocolate covered fruit kabobs. Strawberries, raspberries, kiwi, grapes, mandarin oranges, pineapple, bananas. Milk, dark and white chocolate. Roasted nuts of every kind. Gingerbread, cookies and cakes. Delicious chocolate covered creamy, marshmallows. Sweets everywhere. Sipped on hot chocolate and hot punch. Every kind of Christmas ornament and decoration you could imagine, or couldn't. We finally left after a couple of hours and called it a day.

This morning we slept in with our chocolate hangover. We headed over to the train station and caught a train to Munich at 11:00am. We made a two hour stop in Nurnberg, Germany the most famous Christkindlemarkt. We left our luggage in the train station and headed over where our first stop was lunch. Mini sausages on crusty bread. Tasty. And then desert. And more desert. The Frankfurt market was on a square but here it is on streets lined by shops. My purchase here will be a wooden nativity and lighted wooden Christmas scene. The weather is cold but not bitter. The only thing missing so far is snow. After taking the two hour train to Nurnberg, we trained one more hour into Munich. Train travel here is great. Quiet, smooth and fast. We are staying at the Acanthus hotel and will be here for three days. The kids are definitely enjoying this trip. I wonder why....

I still haven't posted my Spain photos due to technical difficulites. I am hoping to get them resovled soon so I can also post these amazing photos from Germany. Happy Holidays and Happy Birthday Brianna!

By the way, the strangest thing, I logged into Blogger in English but I am having to compose it with German tabs and buttons everywhere. This might get posted :)

Happy Thanksgiving from....Missouri!

2006-11-26T06:21:00.000-07:00

At the last minute I decided to fly Grant and I home to Missouri to celebrate Thanksgiving. I did not tell anyone in Missouri that I was coming. My parents were in St Louis and I knew their hotel so I showed up knocking on their door Tuesday night at 8:30pm. To say they were surprised is an understatement. It was a great visit with beautiful weather and I love to be with family. Is there anything more important?

We had fun eating familiar foods, shopping at stores with way too much stuff and not having to watch football games in the middle of the night. We left clothes just so we could bring back important staples, like, Lucky Charms (shouldn't they have this in Ireland of all places?!?). That my friends will be Christmas breakfast. We are now spending our last 6 hours on American soil in the Atlanta airport with our layover before our 8 hour flight to Dublin. I hope you all had wonderful Thanksgiving.

Costa del Sol

2006-11-16T08:45:00.000-07:00

I first want to send out our most heartfelt thoughts and prayers to the families of Steve and Catheryn Roundy. They both worked with Jay for many years at Enhance and most recently Catheryn was working with us at the sunglass store. She gave us great tips for our trip to Paris. They were so kind and always willing to help. They will be missed~

We flew into Malaga, Spain on Saturday, November 11th. This is located on the southern coast along the Mediterranean Sea. We are staying just outside the seaside town of Marbella. During the summer this place is packed with tourist from all over Europe but as usual we are missing all the crowds. We are taking advantage of the 70 degree weather that we have had for the last 4 days. The next two are scheduled for rain.

On Sunday we attended a very small English speaking branch (congregation). A total of about 30 people. Apparently there are many people living and working here along the coast from the UK. Our kids gladly doubled the primary. The next two days were spent near the sea and the (indoor) swimming pool.

Wednesday was a day trip to one of the oldest cities in Spain, Ronda. It is one of the Pueblo Blancos (white villages) that refers to the many white buildings built upon the hillsides. I won't pretend that throughout all these travels that I am an expert on any of these areas we are visiting. Most places we have gone I have never even heard of. I have just spent alot of time researching and reading travel boards to decide where and what to do on our trips. I wish I were more fluent in foreign languages, I wish I knew more about history, religion and architecture on these trips. And while things are still interesting, I know with my ignorance, I am not able to fully appreciate all the significance. But I am hoping it sparks something within the kids that by exposing them to these places now, in the future when they learn about it in school it will have more meaning and they will want to learn more about it.

Anyway, back to Ronda, we spent the short time there wandering the narrow streets, looking off the "new bridge" (200 years old) and touring the oldest and largest bullring in Spain. We learned that most of us would not want to witness a bullfight (the season is usually April-Oct) and it is much more bloody than I had known. We had lunch at the Don Miguel hotel and I should note that the menu was a little too adventurous for the kids but as usual most places are willing to make a tuna sandwich, hamburger or spaghetti for the kids. I had their almond and garlic cold soup followed by the spinach and prawns in olive oil. I just couldn't bring myself to try the ox tail that is a very popular menu item.

Thursday under the threat of rain, but luckily none fell during our outing, Jay, Cameron, Grant and I took the two hour drive to the city of Granada to see the Alhambra (here I was especially feeling that ignorance). The detailed carving and the abundance of it in the architecture was amazing. We spent about two hours and had it not been for our craving for lunch we could have spent another hour. It is massive and well, palatial.

Our last full day we spent in the sun and then went to the Pablo Picasso museum in Malaga where he was born. We had fun guessing what the paintings were and then reading the descriptions. I wanted to link to my favorites in the collection but it won't allow me. Here is the website and my two favorites were Olga Seated and Man, Woman and Child both in The Collection. We walked around the town center of Malaga and I wish we had found it earlier. It has many pedestrian streets and shops. We had wanted to take a couple of other day trips to Cordoba and Sevilla (that one would have been a bit much for a day trip) but we didn't get them in.

I have really liked Spain. I love the mountains and they way they use every bit of the landscape to farm or build even if it is up the side of a steep hill. I love the Spanish tile roofs, the tiled courtyards, arched entryways, carved doors and my favorite, corbels. I have always loved this style and hopefully someday build this style of house. I love the mixture of history and am on a quest to learn more about it. I will post our pictures after we get home on Saturday.

Please post if you have ideas on places to go and things to see. Or post about anything. Our next trip is in December to the Bavaria region (Christmas markets!) of Germany (Frankfurt, Nuremberg and Munich) and Austria (Salzburg and Vienna).

Buenas Noches

So What Did You Do This Weekend?

2006-11-04T15:40:00.000-07:00

3 days, 6 countries, 3 Ferries, 1 car, 980 driving miles and we are back in Dublin with our new Volvo XC90. Jay and I left for Goteburg, Sweden on Wednesday afternoon. We had some time that evening and went over to the Mall next to the hotel. It was so nice to see so much COLOR! I have read about and I can attest to the Irish phobia of color, in their clothes, decorating and even their weather. But to be in Scandinavia where the bolder the better was exciting. It made me want to redecorate the house, except it isn’t mine. It was FREEZING in Sweden. The temp was in the low 30’s and the wind was bitter. We were not too adventuresome in the eating department and opted for a sushi place down the street for a snack and the hotel restaurant for dinner. It was just too cold to walk anywhere.
Thursday after picking up the car and touring the factory we headed to our first way point, Hamburg Germany. This was strictly a trip to pick up the car so we didn’t do any sight seeing but covered a lot of area. It took longer to get there than appears on the map which seems to be the case all over Europe. We drove down the coast of Sweden and since it gets dark, pitch black, at 4:30 we missed seeing any part of Denmark in the day light. We took a short ferry across to Germany and arrived into Hamburg at about 10pm. We awoke the next morning thinking we had an easy 4 hours to Amsterdam. It was slow going (which included a stop at IKEA) we arrived in the port at Rotterdam at 7pm. Here we boarded an overnight 12 hour ferry to Hull, England.
We disembarked at about 8am and headed across to the other side of England to take a ferry into Dublin. This we thought would be our longest day was infact our shortest. The total drive time without stops would be only about 4 hours but with our obligatory stops to Costco and a shopping mall near Manchester (with no Thanksgiving to appreciate, Christmas shopping is in full force) We arrived at 5pm to take the hour and a half crossing to Dublin and were home by 7:30pm.
Phew and here we go again on the 11th to Spain. And I thought life would be less busy here in Europe....

Life is Hard

2006-10-29T14:32:00.000-07:00

Warning: This is not a travel update just me making some observations about life in Ireland.

Upon finding out that we are living in Ireland for a year from the US, the most consistent question we are asked is "Is it much different here?" This question is being asked in a way that I sense they are hoping (or maybe not) that it isn't all that different from America. Which seems to contradict the "that's too American" theme they have adopted to try to avoid to becoming too much like us.
At first, I answered that it wasn't much different at all. The language is the same (that is not exactly true) and basically we are the same in that we go to work, school, have families, passionate about football (albeit two totally different sports), etc... you know the day to day living. Well that is still true, but the difference I have found, is somehow that day to day living seems a wee bit harder.
Let's start with one of my least favorite things to do in the States that has become absolute agony here in Ireland: grocery shopping. There are only two grocery stores that I can even consider going to. Now it doesn't even bother me that since they charge for bags that I have to remember to take my own. I actually like that idea and even more than that I love (except when I don't have any money with me except a credit card I am cursing the whole set up) is that you have to put a 1eruo coin in the trolley (grocery cart) to get it out and when you return it and attach the chain you get your money back. Which alleviates one of my pet peeves, lazy people who leave grocery carts haphazardly in the parking lots.
But neither of these things actually has to do with choosing the items. A simple recipe of chocolate chip cookies somehow becomes frustrating when I can only find chocolate chips in a bag the size of M&M's for about $5. And how about some warm cornbread on cool autumn night-no not if it calls for creamed corn. And some pretzel sticks for some spooky tarantula cookies. No. And when I do finally find a familiar item I have been looking for it is in a spot I would have never looked in a serving the size of Gerber baby food. Example: cottage cheese. And then of course, let's not forget it won't even taste the same. Based on many of the sizes of things they are still of the mind set to go to the grocery store every day.
I expected that there wouldn't be 5 different brands of the same item, I just didn't expect that there wouldn't be very many items. So I find myself purchasing the same things over and over, week after week. (Cilantro, forget it) Oh and ice cream? It isn't even totally frozen that by the time you reach the check out it is already melting out of the side. A simple plain potato chip? A treasure hunt through all the onion, vinegar and cheddar chips. Not easy. I can't even begin to tell you how expensive it is. And grapes: a luxury. I think we might splurge and have some with Christmas dinner. The advantage of being here is you can choose from all the breads (but only buy what you can eat in about three days as it molds quickly), cheeses and liquor you can imagine. And pushing a grocery cart through the mall and across the street to the library car park where they have trolley returns is an interesting experience.
Next, trying to find materials for the kids school projects. Painful. Finding a Thomas Hardy classic for bookclub? After a week of looking at the library and the only two small bookstores in the area, it must have been fate that Borders opened on Saturday offering the book for a mere 3euro. (Nevermind that I found out today we will be in Spain for the bookclub meeting)
I think that most of this discontent has to do with the awful road planning and traffic that we encounter to almost everywhere, but alas that is another blog.

Hadrians Wall/English Lakes

2006-10-20T08:04:00.000-06:00

I hope you all did your homework on the Roman ruins. We visited the Wall starting at Steel Rigg and were going to walk the 2.5 miles along it to Housestead's but the weather was not cooperating. We headed to Vindolanda which was a Roman settlement and I thought the most interesting place of the day. It has many artifacts of daily life that have been uncovered since the Romans lived there in and around 100AD . We ended at Corbridge which was a Roman fort. But by the time we got there the kids had seen enough stacked stone and were paying more attention to the sheep.
We then headed towards Grasmere, England where we are staying at the Best Western Red Lion Inn. It is a very small village of less than a thousand people. It is quiet, relaxing and serene. This is also where William Woodsworth lived and wrote most of his poetry. It is also the home of Beatrix Potter from the Peter Rabbit tales. The drive into this Lakes region was breathtaking with the green rolling hills divided by short stone walls and the mountains in the background. We had spent all day in the car so it was nice to be here in this quaint village and walk along the narrow streets, go to the park and relax. This area is very busy in the summer and very quiet right now. The hills and mountains cater to walkers/hikers and climbers of all abilites. We spent this morning at the park and the shops. We are headed out to one of the easier hikes this afternoon. Tomorrow we are going to stop in a slightly larger town of Windermere, take in some shopping and head down to Liverpool.
One of the highlights of our trip is there: Costco. 4 of us are flying home while Jay and two kids will take the ferry back with the van full of things we just can't get in Ireland.
As always the trip was great but we are ready to get back home and start planning the next. The countryside here and in Scotland were beautiful and I can't wait to get home and post some photos.

Haste ye back!

2006-10-18T16:00:00.000-06:00

This is the sign you encounter as you leave the small towns along the coast of Scotland. We will definitey be back. We just got a small glimpse of this country. This morning at about 10:30 we walked to the Edinburgh castle. It took about 2o minutes and the weather today was great. We saw the sun. It was mostly sunny and just a wee bit chilly. The castle is enormous and the highlights for us were the Crown jewels (instead of explaining I will just add links if you are curious-http://www.historic-uk.com/HistoryUK/Scotland-History/ScottishCrownJewels.htm
The One o'clock gun which fires everyday at suprisingly one o'clock. The origin of this tradition lies in the days when sailing ships in the Firth of Forth were able to check and reset their chronometers in the days before accurate timepieces were available. Now it is just a way for tourist to set their watches. And finally the Prisoner of War cells and memorabilia. We ate lunch and the kids went to a couple of children activities so we were there for about 3 hours.
We left and walked along the Royal Mile which is full of shops. Along the Royal Mile is a fun and free Museum of Childhood just full of old toys from different eras. We then walked back to the apartment and the boys went to the cinema to see Barnyard. So we were able to see most of what I had planned but we will hasten back and see much more of the country.
Tomorrow we leave early and head to Northern England with a stop at the border to see Hadrian's wall. Refresh your memory so you know what we are talking about :) http://www.hadrians-wall.org/

First Day in Edinburgh

2006-10-17T13:36:00.000-06:00

We woke up this morning with a view of the river and Edinburgh castle. It is cloudy and will stay overcast the entire day. No sun to be seen. Infact, I have noticed we all are getting a bit pale with the lack of sunlight. We may have to find the tanning beds:) and take a Vitamin D supplement. But even with the haziness, the buildings are so interesting to look at with the mixture of old and new architecture. We slept in and at 11:00am were on our way to a science museum called Dynamic Earth. This was a fast moving, very interesting museum for adults as well as kids. We also ate lunch in the cafe there which I had read got pretty good reviews. It was good with a wide selection for a museum cafe.
I had planned to take the kids to a puppet show but I didn't know if we would make it in time. It was in the same direction of the Flight museum so we headed towards the Brunton theater in East Lothian. We arrived about 10 minutes late and all decide to go in except for Jay and Cameron who pick us up an hour later. The puppet show was called " The Man Who Planted Trees" from Jean Giono's tale about a French shepherd who transforms a desolate region by planting hundreds of thousands of trees. It was probably too much dialogue for the kids but enough humor and fun from the talking dog that kept them awake, except for Breanna. I liked it and the story of how the tale came about is interesting http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_Who_Planted_Trees
We then headed for our final adventure of the day the National Museum of Flight also in East Lothian. Here the main attraction is Scotland's Concorde supersonic jet. It has a very thorough tour of the jet along with a short movie. It also includes a couple of hangars with civil and military aircraft. It was a nice museum in the middle of farmland. We headed back to the apartment and will spend the rest of the evening relaxing. Tomorrow's itinerary includes the Edinburgh castle, the Royal Mile, shopping, possibly the Holyrood Palace and Butterfly world. Goodnight

Hello, from Scotland

2006-10-17T12:49:00.000-06:00

We left Ireland on Sunday and headed up to a church in Dundalk (about an hour away) where Jay was looking forward to meeting some members from his mission. We drove to the address we had which was a home in a small subdivision but there clearly was no meeting being held there. So after asking a couple of people we realized we were not going to be able to find it on this trip. We had lunch and headed towards Belfast, another hour north. There is no border crossing between the Republic and Northern Ireland. However the scenery does change with a more mountainous feel (well large rolling hills) and seemed much prettier compared to the areas around Dublin. We spent the night at the Hilton in Fitzpatrick and awoke the next morning to take the car ferry to Scotland. We left Larne, N.I. and an hour and a half later arrived in Carinrayn, Scotland. The ferry ride was smooth and not crowded. As soon as we started driving I could tell this was a special place. I don't know if it is all my genealogy research making the names of places familiar to me or the beauty of the country. From the moment you leave the port, on the right side of the car are lush green hills and valleys with white, wooly sheep dotting the country side that seem to go on forever. Turning to look out the left side of the car is the calming waters of the Irish Sea. We follow this route all the way to Ayr which is where we decide to stop for lunch. We are all very hungry and decide to eat wherever we can find a parking space. We find a space next to Carlton's Cafe near a new public park. It doesn't look like much and inside is a quiet, unassuming older gentleman taking our orders. We had a couple of baguettes, pizza, fries, and ice cream which were pretty good. We would have taken the kids over to the park but it is FREEZING and we need to get going to make it to the Stirling Castle. We are already a little behind schedule. So while the driving distances aren't that far you just can't drive very fast.
We arrive to Stirling at about 4 pm giving us a couple of hours to tour the Castle. While it isn't the best castle that I have visited the grounds that surround it and the views are magical. I will put the pictures under the map section. These grounds are where the famous battles of William Wallce and Robert the Bruce took place. We leave Stirling for Edinburgh which took a little, well a lot longer to get to our apartment because I didn't have the address. We arrive at 9:30 and Jay, Grant and I leave to go get a few groceries. We are so starved for good shopping we couldn't wait to get here and find the ASDA superstore. This is Walmart in the UK. It was nice to have selections and it is a wee less expensive. So after getting home at about 11 pm we very tired and look forward to sleeping in.

Two months

2006-09-29T15:20:00.000-06:00

Can it really be? Already? The time is flying by here and it has felt that way since we arrived. Well, we are settling in and still enjoying ourselves. That is not to say, we are not missing friends and family and other familiarities. We have settled into a routine. Breanna and I teach school from 8am-12pm with one, sometimes two breaks. We teach Cameron or Grant for a week and then switch. I usually teach Noah at the same time or occasionally he attends afternoon kindergarten :)
I know you are waiting to hear that the kids are hating it, are home sick and want to come home. But thankfully I haven't heard any of that. Well I do know they are looking forward to going home but I don't hear any nagging or complaints. I have been concerned because there just isn't many opportunities for the kids to make friends while they are here. They don't go to the public school, we don't have kids in the neighborhood, they aren't involved in any sporting events here, yet when I questioned them about it they weren't too concerned. They have been playing very well with each other. I am sure it also helps that we have so much time available that we cater to them and try to keep them entertained. We take many bike rides, walks, play tennis and only half the time is it in the rain. We try to spend as much time as possible outside away from the television, computer and the gameboys.
After being here for two months, I am starting to form some opinions about life in Ireland. First, the people, as you may have heard, are very friendly and cheerful. They are ready to strike up a conversation anywhere and often when you are in queue (in a line at the grocery store, food court at the mall, bank) anywhere. I often find it hard to give an intelligent response as some of the accents are very hard to understand.
Food: expensive Infact the overall cost of living is very high compared to life in Utah. But grocery shopping is very costly. And I have to do a lot of planning since nearly all the meals must be prepared. Not a lot of easy or tasty prepackaged meals. The kids already miss some staples: Kraft macaroni and cheese, Wendy's junior bacon cheeseburger, and hotdogs to name a few. So I wouldn't recommend Ireland for the food (grocery or restaurant ) or the shopping.
Jay does not need to worry about me spending money on clothes here. I have yet to find a decent store for children's clothing or a great shoe store. We have found the closest thing to a Walmart. It is called Argos. You look through a catalog and write down the corresponding number. You can even check the inventory on an item. You then take your list to a cashier, who after paying, sends you over to a counter to pick up your items where they have been brought up from the warehouse space behind the counter.
Our church building is close about 10 minutes away. There are about 50-70 people in attendance. Cameron will be ordained a deacon in two weeks and there is one other deacon. He attended mutual for the first time last week and loved it. Everyone was so welcoming and nice. The ward is requesting our records and I am sure Jay and I will be asked to speak soon. We have already heard the bishopric or members of the bishopric speak twice. Jay and I go out weekly with the missionaries on balanced splits. Many of the people the missionaries teach are non-nationals. Last week they had a baptism for a woman from Africa. Jay and I took a two day trip down to Waterford (located on the southern coast) last week. We left after church and arrived in our Ramada hotel at about 6:30pm. When we stepped off the elevator,and the hotel room directly in front of us said "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Visitors Welcome" I stood there shocked and couldn't believe that a meeting was held in a hotel room. Jay said when he served in Ireland they would hold church in their flat and would have loved to have a hotel to meet in. When I talked to the missionaries here in Dublin, they said the members in Waterford had been looking for a better place to meet as the hotel they were meeting in before wasn't so nice. One Sunday we will take the kids down and attend their branch. General Conference is on between 5-7pm and 9-11pm at the stake center but I have decided to just watch it at home on the internet. We couldn't get a decent connection for the Chiefs game a couple of weeks ago but Conference comes in flawlessly. Hmm...
Jay is gone this week back to Utah and good food. I don't have any problems driving now I just have no idea where I am going:) but that is improving. Well just thought I'd give a brief update. My next post will probably be from Scotland in a couple of weeks.

Field Trip to the K Club

2006-09-19T08:22:00.000-06:00

Jay and I took Cameron and Grant to the opening practice round of the Ryder Cup here in Kildare, Ireland. For those of you that may not know, it is a golf tournament between a European and American team. We drove to a park and ride spot about 45 minutes away and from there took a bus (about 20 minutes) to the K Club golf course. The course and the weather were absolutely beautiful.
We arrived at 9am and set out immediately to find the American team. They had teed off early and the first group, which included Tiger Woods, were on the 9th hole. Cameron held his ticket and Grant's for Tiger Woods to sign. When Tiger walked by going to the 13th hole he grabbed both of them but only signed Grant's. Needless to say, Cameron was very disappointed. He spent the next few holes trying to get an autograph, to no avail. His final chance was when they were leaving the 18th hole to go into the club house. He got into great position and while he still wasn't able to get Tiger's autograph, he was able to get Phil Mickelson, Chris DiMarco, and Chad Campbell.
It was about 5 hours of walking, or stalking Tiger Woods, that it only allows you to watch a shot here and there. It also didn't allow us to get many photos of the other golfers. Infact we weren't even sure Phil Mickelson was there since he was only wearing a white shirt and the other US golfers had on brown sweater vest. But we had a good time and we all agreed we would rather go to a practice round than the regular tournament as the players are probably more relaxed and you can see much more of the game on television. They expect about 20,000 people at the practice rounds and twice as many on each day of the tournament.
So a good time was had by all and I have posted some pictures on the website. We really didn't get around much, most of them are of Tiger.

Home Again

2006-09-15T16:15:00.000-06:00

It is nice to be back home after being so busy. School started this week. Our first day was Wednesday and it lasted a whole hour. Um, we were a bit unprepared. The curriculum we are using is online based and I didn't get access until Wednesday morning. But the last two days have been much smoother. We start at 8:00am and finish about 12:00 or 1:00pm with a couple of breaks. Cameron is in sixth grade, Grant in fourth and Noah in Kindergarten. It isn't too bad here where I don't have many obligations but for me, I would not attempt to homeschool under any other circumstances. I am so glad to have Breanna here helping me. But it is nice to see the kids learning and what they are learning. The absolute best part is being able to learn at their own pace. I can move them along faster or if they are struggling, spend more time on it.

We have changed our traveling plans a bit. My Italy trip wasn't falling into place so I have moved that to next Spring. We then thought about going over to London but after being in Paris, I need a break from a big city. So we are doing a road trip at the beginning of October. We will take a car ferry over to Holyhead and drive 3 hours to Windermere, a town in the English Lakes region in northern England. We will spend a few days there and drive another three hours to Edinburgh, Scotland. We will spend a few days there and then head for Belfast in Northern Ireland. Jay wants to attend church there to reunite with some members he knew from his mission. Then head back down to Dublin. A much more relaxed trip without all the demanding tourist and historical spots.

We finally got satellite television and the kids were thrilled to get a North American sports channel. So we have recorded about 17 hours of Major League baseball since most of the games are on in the middle of the night here. However Grant is very disappointed that he hasn't seen a Royals game. I think we get some of the NFL games but Jay has that covered just in case with Yahoo on the internet who now airs all the games.

Well, we are still waiting for our first visitors. We made sure we got a place with plenty of room for you. So send us your dates and we can pencil you in or meet you somewhere on this continent.

I might add that the vehicle we got is left hand drive (which is the opposite of everyone here) and it has made it so much easier for me to drive. It is a bit inconvenient for parking and toll booths so we just have to make sure we have someone in the passenger seat for that.

I started posting photos of France under my photo section but the map page is now up and I put additional photos there. I enjoy reading the posts on the guest book and feel free to comment on the blogs. I am going to start having the kids blog on Sundays. That should be interesting. You will get the real facts there. Take Care,

Au revoir Paris

2006-09-11T14:06:00.000-06:00

After some very busy days and the loss of internet access I have to somehow condense our last few days in Paris into this post. We took the kids to Disneyland. It was an easy 35 minute train ride directly to the front gates. The kids enjoyed it but I thought we had just as much fun at the Jardin d' Acclimatation, a children's park with small rides and other attractions catering to mostly under 12's.
Jay picked up our van that we are leasing in Paris and we headed up to Normandy. We stopped in Giverny, which is home to Monet's house and gardens. It was great stop. The gardens, ponds and bridges were beautiful. We continued on to Bayeux, which was the small, quaint and quiet town we would be staying in while we drove to the World War II sites. It was a very nice change from the noise and busy-ness of Paris. We stayed at the Hotel d'Argouges which we would definitely recommend. We ate dinner and called it a night as we were finally going to wake up early. I struggled with deciding whether to hire a guide to take us around and finally decided against it. I think if it were only the older two boys with us we would have done a half day tour but with the two little ones it was good to be on our own schedule. I won't go into detail but I will say that the kids found all the sites interesting. They are just sponges and are so eager to learn and it doesn't hurt that they are boys immersed in war, guns, army vehicles, etc... although I won't go into detail here about each place you can read that in my book once it's published :) but we started out at the Arromanches, a museum dedicated to the artificial harbor. We then drove to Coleville Sur Mer, the American cemetery overlooking Omaha beach, amazing. We headed up to Pont du Hoc and the Saint-Laurent-Sur-Mer museum. There were a few other places we had wanted to go, but I could see we could soon be pushing the limits for the little ones. So on a whim we decided to drive down to Mont St Michel a beautiful monastery which began construction in 1020. It was about an hour and half drive. I had wanted to go but didn't think we would have time. And even though it was too cold to walk around (as we didn't think to bring jackets) and the shops were closed, the sunset and the lights at night are breathtaking and we were there during the high tide. (If you don't know about this place you must go read about it. It is fascinating and the most popular tourist destination in France) Now I must say at this point in our trip, Jay's camera battery and mine had died so we were left with the kids cameras for the rest of the trip but I am sure they did it justice. ( I haven't actually downloaded them yet). This is definitely a place we would love to go back and tour.

We woke up the next morning and went to see the Bayeux tapestry. It is a 1000 year old tapestry depicting the story of William the conqueror defeating Harold at the Battle of Hastings. Grant and Victoria lost interest, but for the rest of us it was an excellent history lesson. On our way back to Paris, I had wanted to stop in Caen to see a peace museum that I had read was a must see but I had not done much research on. It was to be a quick stop and on to Paris. However as we entered and looked through the brochure, it read "What to see if you only have a half of a day..." Half of a day? We had only planned on a quick 30 minutes. So we did go for about an hour and a half but certainly did not do it justice.

We arrived back in Paris and the next day Jay drove back with Cameron and Victoria to Dublin. They drove 2 1/2 hours north and boarded a train through the Euro tunnel to England. They spent the night in Birmingham. The next morning they drove to Liverpool and got some much needed provisions from Costco. They took a ferry from Holyhead to Dublin which takes about an hour and a half. Meanwhile, the rest of us stayed a couple of more days in Paris. I had tried to change my Ryanair tickets to come home a little early but I will spare you those irritating details. Our trip was great but maybe a couple of days too long. Nine days would have been perfect.

So we are home again in Ireland getting ready to start school on Wednesday and by the end of the week I am sure I will be ready to plan our next adventure.

Still loving Paris

2006-09-02T16:21:00.000-06:00

So to report on last night. We did head over to the Eiffel tower and since there was no line and the boys were convincing, I decided to buy tickets and just go up to the first level. Well suffice it to say I should have just stood under the Eiffel tower and threw my euros into the air and walked away. Grant really felt like since the stairs were wide and so open that he could make it. He made it about 25 stairs when he got that glazed over look and crouching on the handrail. I sent Cameron and Brianna on up only to see them coming down a minute later. Cameron was almost to the first level but was too nervous. So we have decided that even the elevator wouldn't be good for Grant and Cameron refuses to get on the elevator so I don't think those two will be posting any pictures from the top of the Eiffel tower.
Wow, the day just flies by. We woke up and headed out about 11am. Victoria wasn't feeling well so Jay stayed in with her. He wasn't too disappointed about staying behind since he had already seen Paris in a day.
We started out at the Army Museum which was full of old war relics from many countries. Lots of body armour and horse armour which were beautifully decorated. Many guns, swords, shields and other weaponry that had intricate art on them. The kids really enjoyed this museum and especially the gift store. We then headed to the Dome church where Napoleon's tomb lies. The casket itself is made of 5 layers using different materials. Since it was so close we stopped at the Rodin museum to check out the Thinker statue. We ate lunch at a small cafe across the street but were a little disappointed compared to the food we've eaten so far.
We took our first ride on the Metro (Paris subway system) and is the only way to get around. We were on our way to the Orangerie museum that houses many of Monet's art. I read the kids "Linnea in Monet's Garden" and that alone has peaked their interest in seeing his work and going to his house in Giverny. But when we arrived there was a line so we decided to spend time in the Jardin de Tuileries. A park with a carousel, playground, trampolines and ponies amongst other things. We had ice cream and crepes and spent about an hour.
At this point is was about 6pm so we headed back to the apartment to meet up with Jay. He and Victoria had been out on the double decker tour bus and has found the Champ de Elysees. A street full of shops and tourist traps and French is the second most spoken language on that street. It is busy and loud and Jay and the kids found Planet Hollywood. After the delicious French brasseries that we had been finding in the nooks and crannies it paled in comparison and was very expensive.
Tomorrow we are going to try the Orangerie again, take in a couple more parks and take it easy.

Bonjour! from Paris

2006-09-01T12:36:00.000-06:00

We flew into the Beauvais airport on Ryanair, who like Southwest, flies into regional airports as oppose to the main airports. If Southwest thinks it is the no frills airline, they haven't flown Ryanair. While you have to pay for drinks, food, and checked luggage, I thought they were pushing it when they wanted to charge me for the inflight magazine. I am glad the safety information card was affixed to the seat back in front of me. But we arrived safely nonetheless, on an 99 cent eruo fare (plus taxes it was about 85 US dollars round trip) and a mere 45 minutes later we arrived in our apartment. From the pictures you can see we are about 5 minutes from the Eiffel tower. It is in a quiet (usually) residential area in the 7th arrondissement. Each night we can just look outside and see at the top of every hour the tower flashing for ten minutes.
After getting settled we were hungry but most restaurants do not open until about 8:30pm. So we did the better thing and stopped by a pastry shop and bought baguettes, salads, pastries, drinks and headed to the grass under the Eiffel tower and enjoyed a very yummy picnic. Later we walked across the street for pizza and then more pastries and called it a night.

This morning we didn't wake up very early and headed out to the Latin Quarter. We didn't get to all the things we planned as we left late and of course, walked A LOT. We browsed Pont Neuf. We then went to the Notre Dame cathedral where we waited in line about 15 minutes. We bought a 4 day museum pass for the adults as the children get in free to almost everything. It is very impressive, huge and beautiful. I couldn't wait to take the kids to the top of the towers. The spiral stairway up is steep, narrow, and fully enclosed. Grant was nervous from the beginning. We reached the bells and he had had enough. The view was great from there but the height, enclosed stairways and the ringing of the bells made him a nervous wreck. Poor thing. I took him back down with Brianna and Noah while Jay, Cameron and Victoria headed to the top.
We then went to the Saint Chapelle to see the amazing stained glass windows. Our next stop was to be the Conciergerie to see Marie Antoinette's cell but we needed a bit of a rest. So we jumped on the Bateaux Vedettes du Pont-Neuf for a one hour boat tour of Paris along the Seine river. It was relaxing but a bit hard to follow the guide speaking English with a thick French accent. But it renewed us enough to walk back to the apartment. The Conciergerie will have to wait. I had originally wanted to walk to the Latin Quarter and take the metro back. I will plan the mass transit better in the future.
So our first full day in Paris did not disappoint. The weather in the upper 70,s, very small crowds, a city full of beautiful architecture and greenery. Now, I have no idea what Jay is going to blog but he said today he could already write a book on how to see Paris in a day. I hope you enjoy the pictures. It is 9:10 pm and we are off to the Eiffel tower maybe will try walking that tonight, well, maybe not Grant.

Saturday, August 25th

2006-08-26T06:44:00.000-06:00

YEAH! We are settled. I will include some photos of our house on the website. Everyone has picked out their bedrooms and already put up posters. There aren't a lot of children around but the boys did meet the kid next door, he is eight.
An interesting story yesterday. The postman came by (keep in mind that this house has been here for 14 years) and was trying to figure out the name of our street. He asked if we were spelling the street name as one word or two. When I told him, I had only just moved in but was spelling it as one, he informed me that as soon as he could find two more people on the street to agree to that it would stand. Huh? I think the real problem was the 10 boxes Charlie sent me had a about 4 spelling variations of my address. :) However traveling around Dublin it doesn't take long to figure out they don't really like to put up street signs anywhere.
We take our first trip in about a week and the kids are taking crash courses in the French Revolution, art, architecture and World War II. If you have been to Paris and have some advice to share, email or post it on the guest book page. I will be uploading some photos this weekend.

In Ireland at last

2006-08-22T15:58:00.000-06:00

Saturday, August 19, 2006 Wow, finally an update after almost three weeks! We flew from Salt Lake to JFK on August 1st and decided to spend the night to break the trip up a little. Of course, we couldn’t have known it would be 107 degrees in NYC and our hotel’s air conditioner was out. So we were so glad to be in Ireland’s mild 60 degree weather. The flights over were uneventful and the children did great. Our flight from SLC to NYC was about 4 hours and from NYC to Dublin about 6 hours.

It has taken us a little longer than anticipated to find housing. We were staying in a hotel about an hour from the city and it was taking it’s toll (literally and figuratively as it was about 4 euro each time we went in or out) So after a little over a week, and we could see that we wouldn’t be moving into our house anytime soon, we relocated to a hotel in the town we will be renting. Our plan is to move in Tuesday or Wednesday. It is a suburb of Dublin called Castleknock. So despite the cramped space and limited things to do the kids have been fantastic. Well how could they complain they have watched more television and played more on the computer than we would ever allowed at home.

There are enough familiar things (i.e. McDonald’s) that I think the kids are adjusting well. And just enough differences to make it an adventure. Including driving on the left hand side of the road. Which I have only attempted twice for about a mile each time. I am pretty sure at this point we will only need one vehicle as I will be relying heavily on mass transit. And it isn’t so much the left side that is the problem but the congested roundabouts and the VERY narrow roads.

The food hasn’t been a huge transition as Pizza Hut, McDonalds, Burger King and TGIFriday’s pretty much taste the same wherever you are. I cannot wait for a home cooked meal and it will be a long time before we eat out again. I will tell you they rely HEAVILY on mayonnaise. You will find it everywhere. And in the strangest places, such as, on their nachos. Some things I just stay clear of even though they are creatively named: black pudding. I’m sure it might be good, no I’m not sure. But it is part of the traditional Irish breakfast.

Well I am sure I am forgetting many things but here is a start. Our first trip is planned for Paris and Normandy the first part of September and we are looking forward to that as well as school starting. For us it is September 12 J I will write again as soon as we are settled in our house. I look forward to hearing from many of you!
~Jodi