Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Helping Me, Helping You

Two months ago when I wrote the post about the tender loving moment with Victoria, I allowed myself to become hopeful beyond expectation.  Others warned me but I knew I could maintain it. I could.  She couldn't.  This disappointment knows no words.  It unfortunately manifested itself in anger.  The ease in which I felt justified in my anger brought me back to the early days when we were both operating under massive amounts of rage.  I was so sad I allowed myself to go back there so quickly and struggled to pull myself out of it.  Anger is a secondary emotion that can be a result of both hurt and disappointment.  While I cannot protect myself from the hurt and disappointment, I can protect myself from the anger that ensues.  But it was so swift, it didn't even feel like I had a choice.  
So after two months of regression and changes I once again find myself in the arms of a loving little girl.  For five days now she has tried hard to obey and is being kind.  This is unprecedented.  For four years we beg, plead, encourage Victoria to do the right thing to allow herself to be happy.  And then, one day, she just decides to.  It catches me completely off guard. Instead of being excited, I am tentative.  I am encouraging yet cautious.  This skepticism protects me but hurts her.  I am beating myself up.  I still struggle to be gentle with myself.  I know I will eventually come around and offer my heart to her.  I do that tonight.  
It is again helpful, healing and pure.  I will spare the specifics and leave it with this exchange.
"I needed your birth mom to give you up so I could have you and you could help me.  Heavenly Father had a plan for us.  I needed you to help me as much as I am helping you."  I say.
"Heavenly Father knew I was going to mean to you and he sent me here?" she asks, "how can I help you if I am being mean?"  
"You helped me become a better mom." amongst so many other things, I think in my mind. 
"How?" she asks.
"Someday, I will explain it all to you." I end.  
(I'm not so sure it was God's idea to send her here to me.  If you ever get the chance to read "The Little Soul and the Sun" you may begin to understand her purpose in my life and what she was willing to do for me)