Monday, November 16, 2009


It's been more than a year since my last entry. I wonder how long Victoria's struggles will be dominating my life. I have to try hard to leave aside the demands she makes on me. If I don't, her behaviors would consume me every moment of my day. It's particularly hard when she is at her worst. I've learned not to take it personally, give it all back to her to own and just wait. She is a broken record with the blame, guilt and anger she wants to place upon me. Thankfully I don't internalize it but what it takes out of me to combat her intense hate and mockery, exhaust me. Often I can't believe this is my life.
She had a good week. Usually the weekends do her in and by Sunday she has completely unraveled. This weekend was the first time in a long time she held it together. Until Monday. I know it's coming, I just wish it wasn't so big. I go in her bedroom to get her up and she has peed from her head to her toes. This alerts me she had big feelings she couldn't manage. Usually they are negative feelings she can't express but I know it was the good feelings of the week she couldn't handle. There isn't much I can do for her at this point to help her regulate her feelings. It is a choice for her. I give her many opportunities to talk through her feelings. But I can't force her.
So I immediately have her begin to clean out her clothes and her blanket. Defiance. Slow. I let her know I'll come back later when she's ready to clean up fast and snappy. The fuse was apparently really short because a huge explosion followed. Screaming, banging, opening and closing her window as hard as she could over and over. I'm thinking....really? Is this all necessary? It isn't but when she gets stuck in the fear, she thinks it is. I'm not sure how she is going to get out of this bad place.
She will and she will continue to cycle and I'll keep looking for the progress in it all. Perspective.