Welcome Home

Jay and I traveled to Belarus in 2004 and brought Victoria home to our family of three boys.  We were all thrilled to have her here.  She was not only a beautiful little girl but also had the brightest smile.  I thought I was prepared to bring her into our family.  I had spoken with other adoptive parents, talked to renowned international adoption doctors, read many books and faithfully followed other people's journeys to adoption on message boards.  There were many positive experiences and happily ever afters.  I had also read about the challenges, especially attachment disorders, and felt fairly certain that I was ready to bring this little girl home.  

The first couple of months were certainly a "honeymoon" period.  She was getting an enormous amount of attention from us and many family and friends.  It was entertaining trying to communicate with her using our very broken Russian and mostly charades.  She loved attention.  She loved to hug and be hugged.  She didn't mind being touched, held or kissed.  I was relieved.  I thought during these couple of months that we had avoided the challenges of attachment.  I was certain our biggest problem would be learning and speech delays.  I was very attentive to providing her consistent touch and affection.  She was the center of our conversations at home and everywhere else.  

She was so tiny at 4 years old she was wearing 24 mos clothing.  It was so refreshing to buy girl clothes after 6 years of boys.  Her hair was so short, which was typical of an orphanage, so I looked forward to growing out and fixing her very blonde hair.  

She blended so well into the family.  Initially she fit right in and I was amazed at the ease in transition.  I will say I experienced some unexpected mourning for Noah (who is 19 days older than Victoria) and I as we had spent so much time together before she arrived.  But it didn't seem disruptive to our relationship.  

We had a few problems but they were all expected.  Toilet training, strange foods, language,  going to strangers.  We were amazed that within a couple of months she was understanding everything we said and by six months she was putting a few words together to make sentences.  But during this time more complicated things began to manifest themselves.  It was subtle and unspoken.  It was making me feel uncertain about myself and very confused.