I thought that freeing my heart from all the resentment would be enough. I knew I was in a far better place now but I was still allowing things she did to hurt me. And I felt an enormous amount of pressure to initiate and form trust with her so I could be the person she would bond to. I just told Max, "tell me what to do and I will do it." I could provide the affection now but I was literally just going through the motions. And it was working. For her. But I couldn't maintain it. The most painful part for me was in the evening. I would take her defiance all day long. I compare it to water torture. The kind where they strap you down and a drop of water lands on your forehead every few seconds. It's only water right? But it is tormenting. That is exactly what her "insignificant" behaviors felt like, all day long. And then, I would need to go in her room in the evening to cuddle with her, feed her a piece of chocolate and act unaffected by it all. The smile that would greet me screamed conditional. Yet, I could not be. I had to begin with a clean slate each day no matter what happened the day before. A lesson in forgiveness nearly every day.
We went to therapy every Tuesday. On about Sunday, the stress would kick in and I would want to cancel. I knew this is what she needed, the only way she was going to get better, so I would go, never canceling, knowing that I couldn't even manage to do what was required of me the week before.
The previous three years and the demands of the present had left me in pieces. I finally realized, I could not do anything until I was whole. I couldn't pretend any longer until it became real. It wasn't working for me. It was scary for me to stop therapy. I was worried about her, me, the support, but it was worth it just to free myself of the stress that I encountered every week going into that office. So nearly six months after starting therapy, we stopped.
