Stumbling Blocks

 Right before I stopped taking Victoria to therapy my heart was at war with what I knew I should be doing and not being able to do it.  Especially showing her consistent affection.  Just thinking back on it is a bit traumatizing to me.  I felt like I could do it.  But literally, when I saw "that face" you know, the one that everyone falls in love with so quickly, my heart would not allow me to do what my mind knew had to be done. I could not see beyond the face.  I couldn't see her heart.  I knew that underneath it all is a little girl with so much love and happiness to give buried by fear but I couldn't see it.  I wasn't allowing myself to.  It never failed, for instance, on my worst days there would be a talk in Church on charity.  I was a mess.  I wanted this to be fixed.  I wanted to be able to do what I thought I was capable of.  I sent the same email to Max and my dad asking for help.  I sent an email to Max because I knew I couldn't be the first mom with this problem and I sent one to my Dad because I felt he knew what my heart was capable of.  

Max responded with suggestions that had worked for other mothers.  I could pretend to see a baby, or one of my other children's faces when I looked at her.  I could imagine her as having cancer or some other disease because she really is sick on the inside although she looks perfectly fine on the outside.  He also said that there was no magic trick that would fix it.  That wasn't going to work for me.  Max would soon see a pattern forming here, what would work for most Mom's, I complicated.  

My dad sent me back a treasured email.  He reminded me of the charity I did indeed have and had since my youth.  I couldn't seem to find it at the moment but his confidence in me and the other precious truths in that letter was a comfort to me.  Things didn't change in that moment.  I would imagine this is a significant stumbling block for many parents.  And it is too personal to have anyone figure out for you.  I have indeed gotten to place where I not only see her for who she really is underneath it all but I find the truths in her behaviors despite what she is saying.  I am not completely sure how this has happened.  Enough time has not transpired for me to objective.  But what I do know, is it is a miracle.