What was suggested in therapy for these kids when they don't obey is to first give them a physical exercise. Jumping jacks, running around the house, sit ups, whatever. If they don't do the exercise, they then have to do a chore. A repetitive, mindless, chore that doesn't require constant supervision and can take as long as they want. We use pulling weeds, shoveling, moving a rock pile or sweeping out the garage, amongst others. If they choose not to do the chore, they go and sit in their room until they decide to do the chore. When that is finished, they must also complete the physical exercise. Victoria never really gets to the room stage because I always have her do something that she can do as fast or slow as she wants. She can finish in 15 minutes when she is compliant but she has been known to take three hours.
This was very interesting when we started this because it took away so much control and it was very frightening to her. And the way these kids manifest their fear, is often through anger. She would usually not even try to do the physical exercise or mess with with me and we would go to the chore. I can remember days (and there still are occasional ones) where she would yell a blood curdling scream forever. If pulling weeds she would just sit in the dirt, cover herself with it, pee on herself, and sit there for hours. Some days she would pull on her clothes, her skin , her hair in such a rage. She has absolutely no control over me. She was at my mercy and it was terrifying. But she would eventually finish.
In the beginning it was so exhausting trying to be consistent and outlast the rage. And trying to ignore all the negative behavior that was clamoring for attention. This was demanding but when she realized that this was going to happen every single time she began to carefully choose her battles usually to test me. The fits of rage began to decrease but something interesting started to happen. She started to enjoy the chores. I must, rephrase, it appeared she was enjoying the chores and tried to get them. So now, it was not serving any purpose in changing her behavior. I will point out that she will pretend to enjoy many things that kids should not like. But it is another way of her trying to feel in control.
She doesn't do nearly as many chores but the occasional disobedience that demands a consequence will send her out to move rocks. This has been taking hours lately. She stands outside, looks around and the neighbors windows on both sides, looking for any attention and will scream at the top of her lungs. Look around for any warm bodies to notice and continue her scream fest. Until I spoke to the neighbors, I thought for sure the police were going to show up at my door.
The discipline that works best with her is a delayed consequence. But I must be ready for retaliation. A delayed consequence comes when she least expects it and is totally out of her control. She didn't have anything to do with conspiring it in her mind. For instance, she is disobedient and being totally passive aggressive during church. I don't respond or react. Until next week, when it is the children's program and I tell her she cannot participate because I don't trust she will be reverent.
My mind is working as hard as hers to anticipate delayed consequences, ignore deliberate negative behavior, trying to find the sincerity in the positive, deciding what to respond to or not. It is hard, it is time consuming. It doesn't allow me to the be the mother I want to be to my other kids or truthfully, wife, friend, sister or daughter. But I know it won't last forever. And when that times comes, I have already learned so many lessons, that I will be a far better mother, wife, friend, sister and daughter than I could ever hoped to be.
