I think I can count on one hand when I think Victoria has really opened up to me and not been scared of the consequences. Even if there wasn't any. One of those nights (and they were all at night) was in Ireland. I knew she was intimidated by me and didn't fully trust me. Why would she? Yet, one night as I talked to her, I brought out a purple elephant and began to talk to it. I pretended the elephant was Victoria and she answered for it. Things began to finally make some sense when she told me how she often thought about destroying her room, ripping up my clothes, and breaking everything. She told me she hated everyone in the family. I was so relieved. You must understand why. I have felt this from her but nothing she ever says indicates it. I had no idea these feelings and others were even capable in a tiny child. I also knew that our thoughts become our actions so it was no surprise that her destructive behaviors were predicated upon a very destructive thought process. But I still didn't have the knowledge how this was all related to attachment disorders. I still felt like she had a choice and always chose the wrong one. Intentionally. One other instance that validated my feelings was while we were visiting friends. She came up to me on the couch and was being affectionate. This was very unusual at this point. When we got into the car I asked her what that was all about as she doesn't normally do that. She replied, "I wanted them to think I was nice to you."
For over three long years, wrong or right, justified or not, I took every look, every insincere hug, every intentional and manipulative behavior personally. I held onto every grudge and infringement on my heart. She was living on the periphery of my heart. The angst, the helplessness, the inadequacy, the illusive answers, beating myself up, left more depleted and depressed than even I understood. It was a slow, tortuous process. But I was the second victim. I thought I was the only.
