From what I understand, RAD is a fairly new diagnosis, and very controversial. There are some basic attributes that most children have but the way they manifest it can vary to the extremes. The best book I can recommend is by Nancy Thomas, "When Love is Not Enough" but I also know from interaction with family, friends and teachers the concept may seem understandable but the "reactive" part, how kids react to it, is often lost on most. It stands to reason that children from orphanages would suffer from this disorder but any child that has significant disruption in the first three years of life is at risk.
This would explain why Victoria's ability to understand love and her cause and effect thinking is so under-developed. It is the basic trust cycle that develops as infants. As babies we cry to let others know there is a need. Usually promptly, that need is met by feeding, changing diapers, holding, or just simply providing relief. In a healthy relationship, this cycle is consistent and from this trust forms bonds that we associate as love. I can't know exactly what happened in her first four years of life but I do know it wasn't consistent. How could it be? She had multiple caregivers. Even with the best caregiver to child ratio in an orphanage, there is no way there would be enough time or enough of anything. Which explains why nothing is ever enough for her. And why she is so angry.
It also completely explains why she didn't trust me and how all my intense acts of love in the first year and half were actually more frightening for her than helpful. But I took it so personally because I didn't understand why she was sabotaging all my efforts so willingly. She really wasn't. It was reacting. And eventually so was I. There was absolutely no trust on either side. Without trust, bonds of anything, including love cannot be formed.
I previously alluded about her cause and effect thinking. She hasn't had opportunities to make decisions and learn from them. She would operate purely on motivation (a selfish one) and doesn't think about the consequences. That was maddening. But she was also in self preservation mode. The only mode she has ever known.
But it wasn't just love that is underdeveloped. It is most of her emotions. She has a hard time really understanding what feeling happy is like. I am serious, for the first two years, I can count a few times where I heard a true, delightful laugh from her. She didn't know that feeling. She has trouble feeling bad or sorry for things. I am not even completely sure what she understands about feeling sad but I know she can feel mad and angry. What a tragedy. First that she has to grow up this way and then I complicate it.
