Heart Bypass

Everything is bypassing my heart at this point.  I can be more specific now but nothing was clear to me then.  Victoria never developed the foundation needed to form secure attachments.  That was the simple part for me to understand.  The more complex part, that is only really beginning to make sense to me in the last few months, is that she has no concept of love.  All of the time, energy, tears, and pain, I spent showing love to Victoria is processed in her mind the exact same way "attention" is from complete strangers.  My sacrifices didn't mean any more to her than the sticker she would get from the cashier at the grocery store.  While in Ireland my mind couldn't make sense of this but my heart did and I was taking it all personally.  It had worn me down. I had no more to offer her.  

What was recommended in Carolyn Archer's book sounded completely logical to me but my heart wanted no part of it.  Essentially you go back to babyhood and reconstruct time and activities that she missed out on.  I started to do it.  But I just couldn't.  I could sense that it wasn't serving the right purpose.  I felt like Victoria just could not process and make sense of my actions to "rewire" her brain.  It felt like she was sucking the life out of me.  The best analogy I have is that I was pouring love into a soul full of holes and everything I would do, everything I had done, just wasn't enough.  Things weren't just bypassing my heart.  It was feeling numb.