I knew that to keep her in check, I couldn't allow her to make any decisions. (I'll stop and explain why as I go along but most of this was lost on me then.) This just stands to reason. She spent her first formable years in an orphanage where she was told what to do every single moment of the day. She had no opportunities to make choices, suffer consequences or learn from her mistakes in a healthy environment. So she comes into our home and suddenly can decide everything for herself? There is no way. It must have been so overwhelming, never mind, all the other things she had to deal with initially.
It was best if she didn't play with the other children. She was vindictive and controlling. Not always but usually so I just didn't put her or the other kids in that position anymore. And kids anywhere could pick up on this in minutes. Adults? totally clueless.
I could not leave her alone. I dealt with her best when she was in the same room with me doing absolutely nothing. She could not/would not entertain herself.
I knew this wasn't doing her any good but it helped me maintain my sanity and most importantly, she had no control over me. As time went on, my coping mechanisms became similar to hers. I treated her with indifference. This saved me from hurt, heartache and disappointment. But, living with these feelings for so long made it very difficult for me to come back to a place where I could show her any type of affection.
I spent so much time being impatient and mean to her. I never wanted to give her anything. She made it very difficult for me and I struggled with this. It would literally tear me up inside. I didn't know what was going on. I hated my reactions to her. This wasn't who I was. And she accepted this. She didn't like it but I think she felt she deserved it. She wanted to do better but she couldn't and didn't know why.
I don't like because of my reactions to her, the boys had virtually no patience for her. I had set a precedent that she was always wrong. There came a time where she probably could do no right in my eyes and gave up trying. I did not know what was going on and my hurt, confusion and numbness where all natural reactions. But the problem came when I wanted to feel justified for it all and held her responsible. The guilt, this guilt, still manifest itself but I am working intently on letting it go.
