There were MANY things I did not know. But this year in Ireland I was able to begin to catch glimpses of what was going on however nothing here was going to tell me how to deal with it.
I began reading books again on attachment disorders. And while I found some of Victoria's behaviors in them, they are broad and were not addressing her passive aggressive nature. They certainly weren't giving me any ideas on how to deal with her.
She continued to seek attention any way that she could, usually through bad behavior. We spent hours trying to talk to her. Jay and I would go through periods where we really felt like we got through to her but be in the same place or two steps back the next day. Talking to these kids does nothing for the problem. In fact, it probably encourages it. We spent so much time trying to "make" her feel responsible and sorry for her actions. She then would respond with the right words but her actions were the complete opposite. Her sincerity became a sword. These kids are never sorry enough. Never happy enough. Never full enough. Never anything enough. And it is terribly, terribly sad.
I was beginning to understand that fear was the motivating factor for most of her behaviors but I didn't know how to calm those fears. I had tried the best way I knew how the first year she arrived. By now, our inconsistency, was fueling the fear.
We were able to meet a supportive source from the international adoption community while in Dublin for a conference. We met with Carolyn Archer for about 30 minutes and it was so refreshing to meet someone who really understood what we were talking about. She made some suggestions, gave us a couple of her books and offered any support by telephone or other means. It was encouraging. And then, I read her books and she gives specific responses to these kids. But what she was suggesting is comparable to performing open heart surgery on myself.
