Finding Help

Finally, you say.  If it were only that simple.  For about a year I was trying to understand this girl and my reactions to her.  Nothing was making any sense.  She appeared happy.  She was affectionate.  She was friendly.  But it felt empty.  But all I had were my feelings to justify my thoughts.  Those are not easily transferred into words.  She was sneaking water.  She was "accidentally" breaking things.  She was constantly lying.  She was rocking.  What part of any of this sounds so devastating?  I see now when I talked to our social worker I wasn't specific enough.  I didn't realize it then.  And also, when it came to discussing her behaviors with professionals I had a tendency to down play them.  I could speculate as to why but it didn't help matters any.  

Our social worker was not helpful.  I then talked to our pediatrician.  He gave me a referral of a prominent child phsychologist in the area but he had a six month waiting list.  I didn't have six months.  I didn't really have six hours at this point.  His office gave me a referral to a child's mental health facility.  The doctor there was no longer practicing but set up an appointment with one of their licensed social workers.  I was apprehensive really.  I kept thinking that somehow what was wrong with this relationship was mostly me at this point.  

I meet with this social worker three times before Jay comes with me.  During those visits she never once talked with Victoria and was so endearing to her. She gave her toys and candy.  Victoria was eating up all the attention.  I knew I was in trouble when she just kept telling me, "You just have to remember where she has come from."  Remembering that she spent nearly four years in an orphanage did nothing to help me. What I needed were answers to my reactions and how to deal with her.  The last visit I took Jay and she pulled a book off the shelf, began to thumb through it throwing ideas at us and finally giving us the website in the back of the book.  Jay felt like we were there for counseling and could clearly see that she didn't know what was going on.  To say I felt discouraged is an understatement.  

We are closing in our second year of having Victoria home.  My heart is constructing barriers.  I am operating on auto pilot with this girl.  I can't see what a bad place I am in until I look back now.  We get one more referral.  A child psychologist.  He labels her as controlling.  Duh. Tries to instill fear into her by telling her if she doesn't start being obedient she will have to get shots.  Oh brilliant, what I didn't realize is, this girl is already operating on fear, let's give her some more to deal with.  And then he recommends parenting classes for us.  I was at first offended at the thought but soon realized it was a good idea.  Unfortunately this was also about the same time that we were planning to leave the country and live in Ireland for a year.